Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Tarnished Knight

There was little about him that made one see a knight. His tarnished armor, his cracking, jagged blade, he seemed more a vagabond than a warrior. Though he yearned to hide them, his tacit scars spoke of the battles he faced, both in victory, and in defeat.

For longer than he willed himself to remember, struggles had found him, and forced his hand to draw steel. Demons, dragons and villains, all surging toward him, sapping his strength, marring his courage, and breaking his will. It was no wonder that this once noble sentinel had become but a soulless shell, wandering the lands, searching for hope, for peace.

Through his travels, he had found many allies. And though, for a while, The Knight was renewed by their presence... Fate, misfortune, the powers of Hell itself, would always take them away, often too soon, and too harshly. Even when those he'd met stood right at his side, The Knight was alone, in what remaining rubble he called his heart...

... Until that day.

For on that day, as The Knight steadied his hand, and lifted his broken blade to face the new day's struggles, he saw an Angel, one of The Divine's most perfect creations. A vision of beauty and grace unlike anything The Knight had ever seen. As he gazed upon The Angel, it was as if some unknown power invaded his spirit, and The Knight felt strength he had never known. And with this new strength, The Knight won the day, and vanquished the demons that had come against him.

As the echoes of the battle faded off into the distance, The Knight approached The Angel, and saw her wing. To his horror, he saw the wounds she bore, and wept. How could one of The Divine's most precious have ever been damaged so viciously? What spawn of Hell could ever be allowed to commit such a sacrilege?

Through painful tears, and boundless anger, The Knight vowed to do all in his power, be all that his weary soul could be, to heal The Angel. On that day, he made a vow to never forsake her, never leave her side, and to strive to be the saving grace she had become for him.

In the days that followed, The Knight walked with strength renewed, and a sense of purpose unlike that which he had known before. Demons that had once tested him to the furthest reaches of his might, now seemed to fall without effort. Every day, he felt one more piece of his humanity return, and his gratitude towards... and love of... The Angel, grew.

But mere mortals can never hope to become an Angel's savior. The Knight soon saw his frailty, his limitations, and deep within him, past his convictions, past his strengths, an aching formed, as The Knight realized how far away he was... from being Her champion.

Finally, the day came. The Knight, burning with anger at his own failings, raised his sword to face the day, a battle much more fierce than most he had faced before, and turned to gaze upon The Angel from whom his might flowed... and saw only air... and one small feather, falling to the ground.

The Angel had left him, flown away, back into the dreams and fantasies from which she came. Had it all been but a dream? Had The Divine looked down upon The Knight, and chosen to take away the greatest blessing he had ever known? Or had The Knight's own weaknesses driven The Angel away?

A moment of pain... a single tear...

Then The Knight lowered his visor, gripped the hilt of his blade tightly, and charged the line against the enemies before him. For, though The Angel had left his side, he had sworn an oath, to always be her Knight. And though his spirit ached terribly, he swore to stand by his oath...

Even if The Angel would never return to The Knight... Even if he would never again know that strength and grace Her presence blessed him with...

...With his tarnished armor, his cracking, jagged blade...

...He would always be Her Knight

- A Piece by Kenny G.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Making up for lost Brain Cells....

OK... So I haven't posted much of crap all months... sue me...

It's been kind of hard to accomplish anything, what with the fucking Laugh Riot of a Bullshit Cluster-Fuck this truck has become...

For those who don't know.... The truck went DOA over 3 weeks ago.... and It was recently towed to a shop for repairs.... Repairs I CAN'T AFFORD!!!!..... So, I had to go deeper into debt with my boss... oh hurray, hu-fucking-ray....

So... truck spends a good week at said shop.... which already knows, as I told them... the trans is crap... It's probably the reason the fucker won't start...

Nope... Fuel Pump assembly...

WTF???

Steve can attest to the fact that the pump was, indeed, coming on.... before it got towed away....

Nope... Fuel Pump Assembly...

OK... Fine... replace the fucking assembly... so the fucker starts and runs (not runs good... just fucking runs....)

Timeline of this week:

Monday: "Hey Ken!.... Truck's done..."
" Cool... I'll come get it tomorrow..."

Tuesday: "FUCKING SNOW!!! I'll have to come get it tomorrow...."

Wednesday:.... "What the fuck do you mean 'Lost my keys?'..... WTF!!!!"
"We'll get your keys back... and deliver the truck later today"

(You see... they "accidentally" gave my keys to some other customer... who shoved them in his pocket, and used his wife's keys to drive his truck home.... My head hurts now)

And... I got to have the "most pleasant and safest driver in the world" drive me home (bar) from the shop... while the work on getting my keys back.... I swear, this crabby ass woman was doing 85 down I96, in pouring rain.... when you couldn't even see the car in front of you.... which was less than 15 feet..... Now my head hurts, and I need new underwear....

Still Wednesday: .... 1 1/2 hours later.... "So.. where's my truck?"
" Just got your keys, we're on our way...."

Still FUCKING WEDNESDAY!!!...: 45 minutes later... "What do you mean it won't drive... you just said you drove it Monday and it was OK!??!!??"
"We'll just let it warm up... dry out... and we'll try it Friday... Sorry Ken...."

Thursday: Christmas.... Nothing... Slept damn near all day....

Friday: ............ ?????........ we're still waiting.....

Can I take this here life, and trade it for what's behind door #2??

Behind door #2 is a Pocket Fisherman???

A broken Pocket Fisherman???

Deal!

- Kenny G.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Time Has Come... Can someone pass me a towel?

Hell has frozen over........ The Lions are winning the Super Bowl...... And I am quitting smoking...

Before you all get your laughs on... and Thor knows, being MY friends, you're already laughing... I'm serious.

Smoking has become nothing more than a "seat filler" in my life: A "warm body" to fill the gap in my soul... in me.... NO MORE I SAY!!!

I throw my lighter in the sad, and declare myself a Quitter!!!!

...... right after I bum one from... shit... no one's around!!!!

AHHH!!!!!

This.... may be a little tougher than first envisioned...

- Kenny G.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Stupidity: Now in an econo-sized 48-pack!

Is it a full frigging moon tonight??? Did an asylum just burn down??? Where did this huge stock of "Fucking Stupid" come from, and who the bloody hell ordered a dump-truck full to be delivered right to my desk?


If I catch 'em... rectal boot-prints galore shall ensue...


Between Vendors, Partners, and Clients, there has been such a cluster-fuck of mental ineptitude, today, I can't even get the whole picture in frame... It would have to be a panorama of perplexing pea-brainitude... and I don't have that kinda camera!!!


Suffice to say... I'll just sum it up with this...


I need less of this....






And more of this....





AAARRGGHHH!!!


- Kenny G.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'm not a Fork!!!

So... I'm sitting here, trying to rebuild my play list from Hypster... Dreading the impending "Team Meeting" to come at 10:30... ish... And I'm wondering...

"How high was the creator of Spongebob when he did so?"

I mean, sure... It's a big hit with children... and everybody knows by now who "lives in a pineapple, under the sea..."... But, the whole freakish concept, is well... freakish!!

It's a talking sponge for Odin's sake!!! You had to be tripping some major league balls to come up with that... Not that it's so horribly different from a talking rabbit being chased by a hunter with a speech impediment... but it's freaky!!

I should make a cartoon about a banana that knows Kung-Fu, and lives in Minneapolis. His best friend can be a can of condensed chicken noodle soup that writes crossword puzzles... I'd be a millionaire!

OK... I guess, by now, you all wanna know why I'm on such a rant about this... And I'll tell you...

It's because I'm happy right now!!! OK...

I don't want to rant about my own life, because I feel good right now. Sure, there's plenty that's still all screwed up, but it's starting to feel like I'll make it through...

My huge mistake, the one that I thought cost me a dear and close friend... Maybe it wasn't so bad, as he and I have talked, and things seem to be, getting back to OK....

And then, of course... There's Her... She knows who she is... And how bright a ray of light she's become in my life... Perhaps, someday, when I'm not here at work, and I can truly describe her in all the beautiful detail that she deserves, I'll "introduce" you to her... but for now, my lips are sealed :-)

So, that's it... No bitching about money, work, or people... No crying for what I don't have... Just me, here alive, and for once... well.

And this...



- Kenny G.

Monday, November 17, 2008

A new era of thought.

It's official... I can't run and hide any more. My mistakes are mine, and I have to live with them. There's no one else that can fix me; It's shit of get off the pot.

I'm human. I'm going to make mistakes. There's no stopping that. I can do as much as possible to prevent some of them, but they will happen, and I must live with the consequences.

If I spend more than I can afford to, dig myself into a whole, finding myself broke, on the verge of bankruptcy, then that is my cross to bear. I can't pray for a reprieve my my creditors, nor another loan to just "get by". Nor can I sit idle, waiting for a miracle from above to save my scrawny ass. Fix it myself, or quit bitching. Those are my only choices.

If I hurt those I care about the most, then the backlash from my actions is my punishment. If I had thought long enough before I took action, there would have been no pain. If I had done everything I could to show those I love what they truly mean to me, then there would be no question that my actions were never meant to be malicious, and were just a stupid mistake. But when my actions cost me that which I hold so dear, then there is no one to blame but me, and I must accept the blame, grow, and walk on. Hiding in the shadows, hoping for magic pixies to fix it for me, will only leave me weak and empty.

I can't hide any more. I can't sit on my ass and pray for a better wave to ride in life. I'm slowly killing myself with apathy, and there's no time for that in a good life.

Time to pick my ass up, and do my best. Always. There's no excuse for anything less.





Time to get busy walking, or get busy dying.

- Kenny G

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My Final Post.

There's something deeply and fundamentally fucked up with me.

I think I'm making a joke, I end up hurting the people I care about.

I use one word in a reference that truly has little to do with what I'm talking about, and it ends up tearing an entire friendship apart in seconds.

I can't speak without making others mad and upset. No matter how hard I try, I can't get it right.

If I can't speak without doing harm, there's no point in ever speaking. So it's time for me to stop speaking, for good. It's what's best.

I'm done.

- Kenny G.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Ya hoooo....oly sh*t... what the hell is wrong here????




All I can say is.... WHAT THE FUCK YAHOO!?!?!?!
Kiss my white ass... you pricks.... (if you can't read the pic... download.... or email me....)
- Kenny G.

The dawning of a new stretch of 24 hour periods.

So... It's official... Barrack Obama will be the next President of the United States of America. It was a hard fought race, but in the end, it was a sound victory for the Illinois senator.

Hurrah.

That's it. That's all I've got. No resounding cheers of jubilation, no insane dances of glee. I'm not exactly filled with all the warm and fuzzies that many others, including many of my friends, seem to have a boundless supply of. But I am trying to share in their Hope.

Nor am I filled with disgust, outrage, or fear. I wasn't out there, rallying for John McCain, doing my best to spread a mistrust about Barrack Obama. I have no true emotion over his race, as I have no inborn qualm with any ones race. I have no deep seated hatred, or dread. Though I do share some wary feeling for our future.

No, over all, I just don't care one way or the other in the wake of this election. This country has fallen so far over so many years, it's hard for me to give any vague semblance of a rat's ass anymore. We've been quite viciously fucked from so many angles for so long, apathy is all I have left to share.

I will say this:
"Dear President Elect Obama,

Please, Just Don't Fuck Things Up Any Worse.

Sincerely,

Kenny G."
That's all I pray for any more.
Now, I'm going back to my reading.... Go away!!!
- Kenny G.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Reports of my death are, sadly, quite exagerated.

I done didn't die and stuff...

I've just had a lot on my plate, and too little time/will/energy/inspiration to make new and excit-ulating posts.

It's not that I don't love posting here, it's just not a creative high point for me right now....

I know, I know... excuses excuses...

I do make to occasional posts on my funny or die page... I know... I'm a post slut...

What can I say... even the things I enjoy most are suffering now-a-days... I don't know... quit asking...

By the way, here's a completely unrelated funny picture:




HAHAHAHAHA!!!! DUCK FARTS!! VOTE YODA 08!!

Send help soon...

- Kenny G.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Never underestimate the power of Coffee.

(That's strange... why was this just a draft... and not a post..??)

It's morning. I'm awake. Don't know quite why.



My head hurts, but then again... when doesn't it?



Now, my ass hurting, that would be strange.



But my ass is fine, and the coffee is hot.



Ahhh... coffee.....



The reason for my AM survival.



I owe you more than you will ever know....



Sweet roasted beans, ground, and moistened....



The pungent liquid you leave behind as the water runs through you.....



I love you, oh sweet nectar of the God's....



My heart shall forever be yo... WTF??? My mug's empty!!!



DAMN&T!!! SH*T, F#CK, MOTHER G*D F%CKING DAMN&T!!!



I gotta go refill................................................................................................ I'm back....



*SIP*



Oh, heavenly nectar of life.......



I love coffee.....



- Kenny G.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Truly inspirational....

See more funny videos at Funny or Die


That's from my buddy Mike at funny or die... It's something we all need to remember now and again...

- Kenny G.

Friday, October 24, 2008

HAHAHAHAHA HELLS YA!!!!!!!!

I freaking did it you guys!!!! I won an FOD cap contest....

I didn't even think it was my best one, but fuck it, I won one!!!

http://www.funnyordie.com/captions/995955?sort=rating

My winning cap:



"What's my name?! What's my name?! Now teach me how to spell it!"
.
Yay for me!
.
- Kenny G.

Friday Movie Night!!!

Just a few great clips I found this week... enjoy!!!


Massive Shopping Cart Fail by Two Morons - Watch more free videos

( I laughed till I sharted...)


Next up....

http://publicaddress.typepad.com/hello/files/sexylincoln.mov

(I swear, anything this woman does just cracks me up..)


And Finally...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die


(That's my buddy Grizz at Funny or Die... Good Video...)

Have an awesome weekend, my minions, I mean friends, I mean pity bearers... yeah... pity bearers....

- Kenny G.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

.... The kinda place that makes you want to wash the soap...

So, yesterday, after work... I went to my normal hiding place: Bucks.

I sat with friends, shot the shit, drank a couple beers, and was getting ready to leave when one of our bartenders (who happened to be off duty at the time) asked if I wanted to go with her, Postal Dave, and the bar schizo, and watch her shoot pool.

I wasn't really in the mood to head to the bar she was supposed to shoot at, but hey, free beer is free beer. So I went..... To the Warrendale bar....

It's the kind of place that is a few blocks past the line that most sane, law abiding folks don't cross, unless they're just passing through to get somewhere better. The kind of place where you know most of the business transacted there has nothing to do with the bartender or booze. The kind of place where you visit the restroom, and think to yourself "I hope this water gets hot enough to wash the soap before I use it..."

That kinda place...

I wish I could tell you that my little nerdy suburban ass has never been to a bar like that... I wish I could... but I'd be lying... and that isn't the real me...


(Though, this is the character from my little video... cute, ain't he?)
No, that class of bar is somewhat familiar to me. Hell, that particular bar wasn't new for me.... It was a remnant of the days when "She" was in my life, and I was spending way too much time/money/dignity on her "Weed" habit...
I wish I could say a fight broke out, I smacked the Jukebox and Bodies came on. I wish I could tell you I went all Matrix bad ass on a bunch of thugs... I wish I could, but I'd be lying....
Nothing happened... at all...
Though, our pool shooting bartender friend girl type person did freak out a bit... You see, she's a sheltered little lamb... and when she accidentally brushed a girl's coat catching the pack of smokes that had been tossed to her, she got a dirty look, and swore she was about to get her ass kicked.... It was really funny to watch her squirm...
I know... I'm terrible....
Needless to say, after she found out she wasn't shooting pool this time, and after the rest of us became tired of watching "Closed Circuit Security Camera T.V.'s" hit show "The Parking Lot"... we left. No fan fare. No fights, no muggings. Just a drive back to Bucks.
I know... Anti-Climactic again.... just like my sex life... Sorry.
- Kenny G.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

MY BOSS IS GOING TO MAKE ME GO BACK TO CRACK!!!

How the F*CK do you run a business with the attention span and short term memory of a ADD ridden goldfish!!!!
Once again, we have a late payment notice on something.... and He has no idea why...
Lemme tell y'all what I see as the problem:
A) It is my job to put these things on the books.
B) I work at the office, and solely at the office.
C) All this hippy-dippy-flippin horse shit GETS MAILED TO HIS FREAKING HOUSE!!!!
*Inhale*...... *Exhale*....
Better now... sort of.....
If you want to make sure I get all these bills booked and payed on time... doesn't it make sense to ensure I actually see the little bastards...

Argh.... where's my pipe?!?!?

- Kenny G.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Sidenote: The Life of a Fifth Wheel.

I've never liked the phrase "Being a Third Wheel." It's always bothered me, the image of a third wheel being viewed so poorly. The third wheel is often as important, if not more so, as the other two...

Watch a child, young, unsure, as they begin their mobility on a simple tricycle. Would you dare call any of those three wheels unnecessary, unneeded? Or do they help to ready this young life for more intricate and complicated means of transportation later in life?

See an animal, marred by injury, that only stands upon three limbs... do you call that third leg meaningless, a burden? Or do you see that animal as fortunate to still have three of it's appendages, being limited, but still strong and able?

For the aged and infirm, do you view their cane as a nuisance, a badge of dishonor? Or does that simple mechanism serve as their new-found chance at life, the pillar by which their once strong legs may now once again take them out into the world, rather than life bound by their physical limitations?

No, so often, the "Third Wheel" is more a "life-safer" than "deal-breaker"... As the tripod allows an artist to capture their target with confidence, that third wheel brings strength and stability to that which it is attached...

But, a "Fifth Wheel"... that is the one which must shoulder the mantle of mediocrity.

For a simple automobile, you see only the four tires, the ones propelling it forward to it's destination. And hidden, within the trunk or the undercarriage, sits the "Fifth Wheel", the one that serves no purpose until one of those four fails. Then, for a short while, the Fifth finds meaning.

It is never as strong, or as beautiful as the others, nor is it meant to last for too long... it is but a means to survive until the broken one is renewed, or a new wheel arrives to take it's place...

Then, the Fifth returns to it's quiet hovel, to wait for another chance to be needed.

Fifth wheels take many shapes: The lone single man in a group of couples; the young, untested newcomer to a group of older, wiser minds; the support player, resting on the bench for the team.

The Fifth knows that theirs is not the life of glamor or glory, but of quiet obscurity, and endless patience. A true Fifth Wheel knows their role, and waits for that fleeting moment of stardom, knowing that it will never last long enough to fulfill.

So, know this, First, Second, Third And Fourth Wheels: yours is the honor. Your faithful Fifth will always be there, waiting for your call to action, ready to hold the moment, until you return to your rightful place in the front.

Never spiteful, never jealous, and never satisfied, but ready none the less, the Fifth awaits....

--- A piece by Kenny G.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Joy Of Sex.... wait, that wasn't sex, it was a 301 game...

Well, we finally did it... we won last night... a close match, but a definite victory for "Just Here For the Beer", against our dear friends, the "Buckin' A's", the other Bucks team...

10-9 was the final score, but it was far greater of a night than the final score eludes to. All cylinders were firing exactly as we needed them to, to finally net us that elusive "W" we've been hunting for all season.

Let me introduce you to the team:

Jesse: Our sharp shooter, AKA: our "Excitement". When Jess is on, there's few who can take him on the dart board. Not only is he our strongest shooter, his strength keeps the team enthusiastic all match long.

Janelle: A bit of a mystery as far as her nightly production on the board, she more than compensates for any "off" nights with the energy she brings to the team. She's the loud cheerleader, spurring the team onwards every match.

Sue: The most veteran of all my teammates, Sue has been with the Buck's dart program since day 1. She never misses a night, no matter what happens (except for that one night, but surgery is the best excuse there is)... Even though she's not our strongest, her consistency brings much needed stability and comfort to the team. That imaginary "A" on her imaginary jersey would be sorely missed should she ever need a night off.

Jon: Not only is he Sue's husband, a former cheerleader, and the buyer of far too many shots, Jon helps keep the team focused and grounded. Though he can be the biggest fire cracker on the team when angered, he always keeps an even keel about him through the night. Victory or defeat, he never lets the outcome rattle him, and that calmness helps the rest of us stay focused.

Dave: The backbone of our team, and a source of far more dart prowess than he even realizes. Dave is our inspiration many nights, and a source of confidence to his teammates. When he's in his groove, he can tear damn near any opponent apart, and he's an awesome partner in cricket matches. He always say "If I can do it, anyone can..." and while that's a running joke, it rings true for our team, because, when Dave's on, he gives all of us the confidence to get on as well.

And, of course...

Kenny G.: Me, the captain. My job is to bring the team through with leadership, and tenacity. I see it every week, when I'm pissed off and bringing myself down, I bring us all down. When I stay calm and determined, the team is right there with me, ready to win. I owe them my best every week, so they follow suit, bringing their best as well....

And last night, we won... as a team... (and, for me personally, I smoked my opponent in 301... he had 115 left... :-) )

To quote our nightly cheer...

"MORE BEER!"

- Kenny G.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

It's on like my pants (Now that is a miracle..)

OK, I bit off a big one this time...

There currently is a wager between makinitdrizzle and myself, on Funny Or Die , in the form of a 1 week "commented on" race. In one week, the winner gets to put 10 "You Suck's" on the loser's profile....

I'm a little behind, but I gotta keep the faith...

Let's see how this all plays out y'all....



- Kenny G.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Story Time!!! Get yur warm milk, cookies, and Prozac...

{To the theme of "The Beverly Hillbillies"}

Here's a little story about Kenny G.
A FOD captioneer void of abilty
So one day he was sitting at his desk
Till he realized, he couldn't find a rhyme for desk...

Asinine, this is....

So, there he sat, staring vacantly at his monitor, desperately awaiting some form of inspiration, a visit from his muse if you will. Tirelessly, he waited, drinking absurd quantities of coffee, tapping randomly on his dust-caked keyboard, yeilding nothing but frustration and hand cramps.

Then, as if the spark of the Divine itself had settled on his shoulders, it came to him...

"I can write a story, using all the goofy ass pictures I've found..."

Thus, into the land of FOD was birthed...

Kenny G. - A Retrospective.

Kenny G., an office manger for a computer repair company, was used to dealing with situations that were less than pleasant


He occasionally was unsure how best to handle situations that he faced, as the signs were slightly unclear at moments....

But he hardly let it phase him, as his true focus was his personal life, what with his stellar charisma with the ladies...

His vast fortune....

And his awesome vehicle....


He knew better days were yet to come....


Though he missed those who had left him in the past....



He knew he'd soon meet others to be near to...



And his true strengths would shine through...



........ unless he met one of those, that is....

The End....

- Kenny G.

Monday, October 13, 2008

It's not Good Bye, It's Fair-Well...

It's hard to let go of the ones you care the most about. It's not because you expect them to never go, because that would just be foolish. People pass away, they move far away for a better opportunity, sometimes, things just change, and you both move on. But, in someway, everyone will eventually need to let go of the one's they love most.

Truth is, the hardest part is that, it's not until they've gone away that you can truly see the whole picture of what they mean to you. The one downside to being truly close to someone, is how narrow the view is. It's like taking a picture zoomed all the way in. The shot may be phenomenal, but you still miss so much of what's around your subject.

When your nearest and dearest go away, you start to see the things you never realized before... The lessons that they've taught you... The times you thought about them and didn't even realize it... The way just sitting side by side, not speaking a word, impacted you. You see it now, when that chair beside you is empty.

But, if the bonds you share are true, nothing can break them... not a fight, not 600 miles, not even death itself.


There's little else to say, even though I'm scared to death right now. It's time to put the "Big Boy Pants" on now, and not be afraid....

*I will not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will allow it to pass over and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.*
- From "Dune", by Frank Herbert

I'm going to miss you Steve O. and Gail O. (GLO for short....)... May nothing but the best of fortunes find you in South Carolina.....
Right Steve O.?




Love you too bro...
- Kenny G.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Myshame: A social loathing network...

I'd try and be witty here..... But this speaks for itself....

Kenny: Karaoke Fun

See more funny videos at Funny or Die


God save us when I secrete my next "good idea"...

- Kenny G.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

This was too good not to copy/paste... If only I could work pick-up lines the same way...

My friend Laurie on Funny or Die posted this on her blog....

I sharted a little from laughter.... and I claim to be a Republicn (sorta)...



Swing by her blog and thank her for finding this gem....
- Kenny G.

"Smell" Tech Support: The jockstrap of IT assistance

Let me regale you with a few choice snippets from my recent encounter with a certain large computer manufacturer's technical assistance department... IE: Tech Support...

For the sake of protecting the innocent/the stupid/my ass... Let's just call my "agent" ... "Frank"... (ALL SENSITIVE DATA HAS BEEN CHANGED/REMOVED)


(Line for line what he wrote... no edits)
Frank: "...did the problem you had the other time was the company name were product was register under?"
Me: "Um... I'm not clear on what you are asking me...."

Frank: "ok".....

I seriously had to wait a while to get clarification... And it wound up being this...

Frank: "well, can you explain to me why didn't the other agent send the......"

Here, I copied about 15 lines of text from OUR LAST CHAT SESSION... 3 weeks ago....

Then...

Frank: "the reason I'm asking this is because it seems like we had the same problem? have you been contact by "Smell" during does 10-15 business days?"

Finally fed up... I wrote...

Me: "No... That's why I'm in this session now... I have not heard anything at all... and it has been 3 full weeks now...."

Mind you... at the very start, I said:

Me: "I need to know the status of a service issue. "session ID for this incident is..."
Followed immediately by:
Me: "3 weeks ago, we were told we had to have (random red tape resolved), so that we could get this (random device) repaired. We have had no further messages regarding this..."

....... It was like being on a Merry-Go-Round... for nearly 2 hours!!!

............... But I won!!!! I are a Fountain Of Greatness.....



YAY!! AWSUM I R!!!
- Kenny G.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Fed-UPS, mishandling your package since 1992!!

So, the new era of workdom has begun. Steve O. has left the building for good (he hopes), and the new pup, Johnny, has stepped in to fill the relatively misshapen shoes left unfilled...

And somehow, he's surviving...


It's gonna be a bit of a change around here, what with my little Stevey-shaped safety net all not here and shit... but, life goes on, the sun will come out tomorrow, and Red Bull gives you wings...


On a funny/fucking annoying note... Phuck PhedEx!!... no, scratch that, FUCK the vendor who doesn't know where to ship our shit to....


I don't have fun trying to find a FedEx shipping hub, in the rain, when I should be just barely getting ready to leave for work... Gas is too damned expensive, my truck blows, so these "before-work-charity-drives" all over God's grey Earth are for the birds... and I am pretty sure I ended up flipping a few this morning...


Worst of all, I lost out on a bet I had with Steve O...... by 3 FUCKING MINUTES!!!!!!

(Not a picture of me...)



Hurray for employment.....

- Kenny G.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Happy F*#king Birthday to Me....

Yup... Sunday was my Birthday.... I think.....

You see, a small group of people who claim to be my friends proceeded to get me so shitfaced Saturday night, there really wasn't much of a Sunday for me... I was comatose for most of it (Slept till 3:30 PM... went to bed before 10:00 PM.... the "awake" parts were pretty fuzzy...)

That's pretty much the recap... Sad but true... I'm getting old now...

Where's my AARP card!!!

- Kenny G.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Ahhhh.... My kinda people...

Sit back, relax, and enjoy...



I feel their pain... And their techno-annihilation lust.- Kenny G.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Newbie Roast, and other Saturday morning kid's shows...

It's official... Steve O.'s replacement started work today, and gets to spend a great deal of his time on the road... with Steve O. ...

May God have mercy on this poor plebe's soul...

It was interesting, I must say, to actually feel like a superior for once in my ever-loving life. I got to put "Little Johnny" through the paces around the office, teaching him our usual way of getting shit done(read: fucked up worse)...

While I will miss Steve O. horribly after his departure.... It could be fun having a new guy to kick around... I mean... C'mon... he's only 18!!!

I'm gonna have to do some serious pushing as I transition from "Office Bitch" to "Customer Relations Management Bitch", in order to keep this crumbling rubber raft of an office afloat...

................. We're Fucked...

- Kenny G.

Monday, September 29, 2008

No... THIS IS TOO TWISTED. (NSFA... not safe for anyone)

http://www.tsgnet.com/pres.php?id=46832&altf=Lfooz&altl=H4

And there'd be weeping, and gnashing of teeth... and free beer for all.

- Kenny G.

WTF??? (This is too twisted for even me... no funny title for this one...)

Dear Sweet Odin, how stupid was the overdeveloped cum-shot who designed this???

- Kenny G.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Updated, Sidenoted, and Downwind..

OK, first off... my video is gonna be delayed... again.... my camera person made a serious boo-boo... I posted more here: The waiting game... like Candyland, only more queer..

Second, hurray hurrah... I'm finally back Full Time.. for good... I hope... maybe... They let the marketing person go this week... so she won't be stealing my hours faking her way through customer interactions...

Third, along similar lines as the last note, Steve O.'s last week is next week... so, we're desperately fighting to get the newbie in here so Steve O. can give him a good hazing/shakedown/walk through... Therefore, this whole "Full Time" thing kinda feels like a picture I've already shared with you...



Yay for me... I'm feeling oh so fucking peachy right now... especially since the dart team got bitch smacked again last night....

At least, we had an old guy break very noisy wind at the bar last night, and we all got a few minutes of side-splitting laughter out of it... before the match of course...

With any luck, better news is on the horizon....

......... Fuck! That's not news... it's Ike's reanimated storm cell!!!

- Kenny G.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Next time.... I'm using sheep..

.... Wow... bad idea for a post title.... that sounds really bad...

Anyways.... Shot that video this weekend.... in the spirit of being lazy, I'm just gonna post the link to my FOD blog post recapping the experience...

The Question For The Ages... Or At Least The Drunk...

Anyways.... my hand hurts... I'll be back later.....

- Kenny G.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Duck Farts, and other transposed vulgarities...

Duck Farts!

I'm really starting to get a complex about this whole dart league thing. Even I should be able to get a few wins now and again, but, somehow, I keep letting my team down...

I posted a rant here ( Some people can't find their ass with both hands and a map... I can't find triple 20's... ), so I won't repeat.

These People Rucking Fule!

I must say, I've made a bunch of new friends on Funny Or Die, and It's making me feel this weird emotion... I think it's called "Hap-Pi-Ness"... or something like that... So I'll be spending a lot of time over there, posting stuff. Check me out if you get bored/struck in the head by a ball peen hammer...

Yells Heah, Fothermucker!

There's a lot of awesome people and stuff on there (and me)... Here's a great post I found today... totally sounds like my normal day at work.. bipolarboy, yur my hero

You think you're confused?

Sholy Hit!

With that being said, I'm actually planning on making a video, and posting it up there for public scrutiny. I know... I'm out of mu mucking find... but hey... I need to fill the void of a departing Steve O. somehow... and crack costs too much.

Fhat The Wuck?

Speaking of Steve O., look at what his (and somewhat my) beer-addled cerebellum came up with...




"Why you don't piss off friends at the bar.", "Alchy-Engineering.".... or "Bar Survival Kit."... You decide...

- Kenny G.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Caution: This post requires a hardhat, hip-waders, and three hits of Ecstasy...

So, in an attempt (read: waste of oxygen & brain power) to prepare myself for the major changes in the/my near future, I'm trying to clear my mind of all the trivial thoughtlets cluttering me up. Here's a few:
  1. I never shared with my "audience" (snicker snicker, laugh laugh... weep) one of my favorite pieces of Webby-Goodness.... Here you go!
  2. It's official! (Actually, it was official Sept. 4th, but I never mentioned it.... I'm lazy) Mayor Kwam-Daddy is out, and doing "time"... mind you, it's only like a month or two... but at least his crooked ass is gone for a few years.... till the Fucktards in Detroit vote him back in... Dammit! Now my "Happy Dance" feels all unwarranted and stuff...
  3. In an older post, I said:"WTF is up with Big Brother 10??? How can there not be one truly likable person in the whole group??? I mean, other than Jerry, but he's really old, and you know there's no chance he's gonna win.".....
  4. ......And I was wrong..... F*ck Jerry's old antagonistic ass, Go Dan!!! Win one for the hometown!!!
  5. A long time ago, I started writing a book.... and then I stopped.... I suck....and I'm lazy.... 'nuff said
  6. How morbid is it that I'm kinda disappointed that the Large Hadron Collider didn't cause an "Earth-shattering", or at least a "Earth-shaking" kaboom? In addition, how sad is it that http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/ makes me smile?

I feel a little better now..... almost good enough to not long for Death's sweet embrace with desperation and anxiously open arms.... just regular open arms.... Damn I need to get laid... and a beer.... and a truck with reverse.... :-)

- Kenny G.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Gray clouds on the horizon, right next to the blue balls and red ballons...

... Yah, I know.. random "Lucky Charm's" references are kinda lame... but f*ck it... I'm in no mood.

It's one of those times when you know all you're getting right now is foreplay from the storm, and the real fan-shit-hitting experience is on deck. The type of foreboding gloom that makes you wet yourself profusely at inappropriate times, staining your favorite pants forever.

Here's a few quick hit outlooks on my, and in ways, all of our, impending doom:
  • Election '08: We can pray McCain brings back his old renegade ways and turns this nation around, or pray Obama truly is the second coming of Kennedy that will save us. We can fear McCain = 4 more years of Bush, and Obama = The untested student driver pulling onto the freeway. My guess --- We're hosed either way, so I may just vote for Yoda.

  • My Career: I may end up full-time very soon, pending a parting of ways with our marketing lady. Maybe. After all the shit I've seen here, it wouldn't surprise me to stay on bitch-hours, even if she's gone.

  • My Wallet: Even with full-time, my financial forecast is grim. Not as grim as the reaper guy, but damned close. Day by day, the combination of this job, my bad luck/lack of marketable skills, and my inability to seek out better employment, makes bankruptcy loom ever closer to being the only escape.

  • My Home-Skillet: With Steve O.'s inevitable departure to warmer climates, I may soon return to a realm I haven't known in quite a while --- the days of no best friend in my every day life. Sure, Baize (my other befri..) and I still talk, and we're still close, but there's a big difference between seeing each other all the time, and talking once a month on the phone.

  • My Self-Fulfilling Cluster Fuck of a Mentality: All these things have a tendency of stressing me out, which makes me worry. As I worry, I worry about worrying. This worry helps keep my morale low, helping to make me a more miserable SOB, which, in turn, helps make the situation worse, starting the whole process over, resulting in some fucked up Mobius Strip of self-loathing... you know... the kind the girl's just love to date. :-)

........ what? I'm supposed to be funny EVERY post?? Fine!


HAPPY NOW FUCKER!!!! :-)

- Kenny G.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Jury Duty Part 2: Real Lawyers--- Like Potatoes, only less intelligent.

Welcome back! Didja miss me?? No? Well, screw you too..... Just kidding everybody(no one)..

So, where was I? Oh yeah... the Trial of The Century.....

I swear, this whole thing was the perfect example of every single element that is wrong with our current legal system, hands down. From incompetent prosecutors and pathetic defense counsel ("Um, Uh" is not a legal term I want to hear 80 fucking times asshole!!), shady witnesses for both sides, to extremely shoddy police work (8 calls to 911 to get officers out there?? Come on!!), and a judge who seemed more interested in getting to the end of the case than the actual case itself, I truly believe the only functional brains in the entire courtroom were in the jury box.

It was initially explained to us as a simple B&E case. Basically, "Baby Momma" claims that "Baby Daddy" and "Jr." (the child they have in common), along with "Daddy's Cousin", broke into her house last November. Would it surprise you if I said there was an ongoing custody dispute here?? :-P

The story was as follows: She came home with 4 of her other children, saw a car in the church parking lot across the street flashing it's lights and blaring the horn, and her front door was open. "Jr" came running out the front door, "Daddy" went out the back door, which had been kicked in, shit was missing, so on and so forth....

The testimony went like this:

Prosecution- "Baby Momma" & "Eldest Son"--- "It happened, they did it."
"Desk Cop Working that night"----- " Yes, she called 911 8 times, and a report was filed"

Defense- "Baby Daddy", "Cousin", & "Jr."--- "We didn't do it, that bitch is crazy"
"Cousin's Aunty"--- "That bitch is lying and crazy"
"Warrant Prosecutor"--- "Yes, I signed that warrant"

.... Deliberate!!

Seriously.... that's all they gave us.... no testimony from the cops actually on the scene (albeit 2 hours later, but hey, better late than never, right?)... no pictures... nothing but a bunch of bullshit from a bunch of liars... Yay.

... The "Best Part".... After all this tedious crap... I GET PICKED AS AN ALTERNATE, AND DON'T EVEN GET TO DELIBERATE!!!!!

Found 'em not guilty though... it only took the others 10 minutes to decide it...

Not that I truly care anymore.... my "give-a-fuck" is broken... and my head hurts... I hate courtrooms... what a sad waste of time.... I can't find a good way to end this post... fuck it...

- Kenny G.

First came Mambo # 5, now... Juror # 2!!

"Hurry up and wait!!"---- The unspoken motto of our legal system.

Yeah, you guessed it.... I got to spend the first two days of this work week being a Nielsen family for the "Drying Paint Network"... AKA: Jury Duty. And sweet leaping Buddha in Tijuana, was it boring.

The first day began at the Oh-So-Wonderful time of 6AM.... You know, when I'm usually getting my third or forth hour of sleep... I had to drag my sorry ass out of bed, and then drag it all the way to DOWNTOWN FUCKING DETROIT!!... the land where even the air smells like incompetence and failure.

I did, however, get to see the God-awful monstrosity that Greektown Casino (fucking bastards!!) is trying to call a hotel. I swear, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time... It's being built right next door to the Juvenile Detention Facility.. I shit you not...

Next, I got to stand in the cattle chute they try to call "Security".... until finally, I got to empty my pockets, and realize that I get to be wanded down because I was foolish enough to wear a "belt"... while the asshole several people behind me smuggled in his cell phone in his shoe... Again.. shit you not...

So finally, after all that waiting in line, I get to the assembly room, with about 300 or so other lucky civic-minded citizens.... to wait.... (See the pattern yet?)

After about 3 hours of this, as my mind is rapidly transforming from jello into jello-water... my group gets called. All 32 or so of us hurriedly get to the counter, rapidly handing our juror cards to the secretary, and rush up to our assigned court room so that we could, of course, wait.....

Over an hour later, we get to go in, and the jury selection begins... the first 14 are called... and I'm not one of them. I get this elated feeling that, maybe, for the second time in my life, I won't actually have to sit on a jury... Then, I watch my hopes shatter. 5 people excused from the jury.. 5 replacements (still not me)... 4 excused... and so on, until, I am alone... the last name not called... with the 14 jurors sitting on the panel... until one JACKASS gets his ass excused with some bullshit about a "business trip".... and I get screwed....

FORKINFIGNEWTON!!!!

Lunch break comes and goes.... and the trial begins...

Tune in for Jury Duty Part 2: Real Lawyers--- Like Potatoes, only less intelligent.

- Kenny G.

Friday, September 5, 2008

While the cat's away.... We're gonna crap in his office.

So, the boss(es) are out of town, for a conference, and Steve O. and I are left to man the front lines all day today....

HURR-F*CKIN-AY!!!!!

Pros:
1) No inane bullshit reschedules.... hopefully....
2) Being late didn't get me an evil scowl. Except from Steve O. But I'm used to that.
3) We're allowed today (according to us) to slack a bit...

Cons:
1) I'm stuck doing payroll for the week... hope I don't FUBAR everything
2) Any big customer issue that requires the boss' knowledge is hosed until Monday... but we'll still get bitched out for it..
3) Murphy WILL be in full swing, since there's less people here to catch the falling turds..

All in all, all I can say is this:

I don't want Jury Duty on Monday!!!!

- Kenny G.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

If no one is reading... does a pissed off blogger still suck?

I just stopped an anti-virus scan for this...
May Zeus save my sole... (The left... the right has too many holes to save... It's ruined...)
Just... I dunno... I just saw this ad for Levi jeans.... kinda bugged me:
*Stripping*
Guy: I'm not really in a band....
*Stripping*
Girl: I'm not really with a label...
*Stripping*
Guy:I'm really from Detroit...
*Enter random apartment.. and yes... more stripping....*
Girl: This isn't really my apartment...
*Lights turn on, picture of random family on the other side of the ethnic rainbow from our current characters.. and yes... yet more stripping, ending at the level of nakedness that is the furthest network T.V. can reach without fines... Levi's logo... fade to black...*
OK... seriously... Gandhi knows I am no prude... but... isn't this level of advertising... for jeans of all things... a little whorish..???
Have we sank this low as a culture that this is truly the best way to hock clothing at the masses...??? Telling the consumer that "Buy our product... and you will be able to lie your way into having relations with a liar as skilled as you... as well as justifying breaking & entering, so long as you copulate..."
Is this the future of product sales??
Or do I just need to get laid that fucking bad..??
You decide...
- Kenny G.

It's 3AM, and you have an email.... why would you want to open it?

.... I'll tell you why.... because it's you boss telling you you have to work in 6 hours!!!!

That is... if you're me... in my fucked up little trip down the rabbit hole I call employment.... No.. I'm not kidding... I actually received an email at 10PM last night, which I didn't check until 3AM (and why should I check it... it's my work email... and I wasn't working...)...

And, even better, it's interviews.... AGAIN!!!!

I know... I should be happy to be getting the hours.... but it would have been nice to actually have gotten some sleep before this... (After that email.. I couldn't get to sleep to quickly... plus... my cat is retarded, and thinks lights out = play time.... with my feet... and his claws.... little asshole...)

Oh well... another day, another $1.6873657... rounded up....

- Kenny G.

Friday, August 29, 2008

HFSIF!! ( Holy F*cking Sh*t, It's Friday...)

So... you remember that old song, "Manic Monday"??

Crock of horse defecation that one is... Monday isn't the issue here people.... It's Friday.

On Monday, you're all rested from the weekend you've (hopefully) had off. You've got all those fresh memories of all the partying, or sitting around doing nothing, that you just spent every minute since you left work on Friday doing. Sure, you may (will) have a hangover, but no pain, no play, right?

No, Friday is the shit-tastic day of the week.... You've just spent the whole week working your soul away, dealing with every inane inconsistency your boss could muster, every asshole customer, and every possible instance of "Murphy's law" ever seen by mortal eyes. You've tried to catch as many "Happy Hours" as you could, hoping that a few cocktails would soothe your aching brain, but that is hard to do when, long before the stress is gone, you take the "I gotta work tomorrow" early train out of your favorite bar.

So, Friday comes, and you rush out from work, intent on making up all the steam-blowing-off you're behind on from the week, barely putting the car in park before your ass hits the bar stool, slamming fuzzy navels at Mach 3, until, before the night's ball game even begins, you're wasted...

Now, in an attempt to overpower your failing liver, you stay, even though your blood could fuel the next space shuttle launch, and your wallet is weeping from it's sudden hemorrhaging, and you end up so incoherently fucked up, you now have to waste Saturday recovering, rather than engaged in a keg stand with the frat boys that live four doors down from you....

Shitty.... Or in other words....

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYBODY!!!
- Kenny G.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Coming soon to a theater near you: Interviews With An Office Monkey

So... Um, WTF?

I'm not the "Tech Guy" around here.... I'm not even remotely "Techy"... I'm the Office Manager(read: Bitch)... So, why in the name of Thor's taint am I the one interviewing replacements for Steve O.??

Not that I mind... It's an honor to be trusted with such a big task... and even better to be getting the extra hours for being in the office for this... Still, it's a little over my head now isn't it??

I'm pretty much asking questions that I don't frickin' know the real answers for... As well as trying to get a half-assed feel for how these applicants are in customer service... This is not a situation where I like flying by the seat of my pants...

... Hold on... I just got a memo from my manhood... what's it say....

" MAN UP AND FUCKIN' DO THIS..... YOU PUSSY BOY!!!"

............ Dammit.....

- Kenny G.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Random Cut-And-Paste content to make me look like an avid poster...

This made me laugh my ass off.......

See more funny videos at Funny or Die



....... Even though Jimmy Kimmel makes my skin crawl...

- Kenny G.

Is it Coincidence, or is it Memorex?

Is it odd to anyone else that, on the same day as the post below this one---

Word of the Day Archive: Monday August 25, 2008:

berate \bih-RAYT\, transitive verb: To scold severely or angrily.

Odin really does have a sense of humor... and irony...

- Kenny G.

Internet Bandwidth: Now available in small, medium, and "I'm a self righteous little overdeveloped cum-shot"....

OK... here's reason #185729 why I've lost all faith in Humanity, and eagerly await a new global "We're all fucked" plague....

So, I'm sitting at work, checking my usual haunts, and find this article:

http://www.cracked.com/article_16584_real-world-fears-behind-8-popular-movie-monsters.html

I know, it's not a perfect fit for everybody, but I say it's good. It's funny, light hearted in many ways, but offers a few nuggets of insight, or at least topics to ponder......

Then, as a response post... I read this ass-clown's words (He's toward the bottom of the list...):

"blahdeblahblah"
"and -- if you are a man -- things relating to vaginas." Yet another dumb bitch bashing men because she can get away with it. Fuck you and your misandry. The only reason you were allowed to post this boring tripe of an article is because you have tits. Accept that you and your ilk will never be anything more than fucktoys. Eat shit, inferior gendered slut."
"Posted on 8/24/2008 10:20:31 PM"

Are you fucking serious?? They still make ignorant, misogynistic gutter trash like this??? Come the fuck on. She made a damn joke.... and a joke I kinda (sadly) admit has a bit of truth to it about those of us with a Y chromosome... And now, thanks to blahdeblahblah... We have a poster child for the "Woman-hating Dickbag" club....

I give the fuck up..... My gender just needs to start castrating ourselves, in a effort to stop the spread of this level of stupidity....

........ Or, I just need a beer to calm down with... whichever....

- Kenny G.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I WORK FOR A RETARDED GOLDFISH!!!!

How the fuck do you forget that you are interviewing people, less than an hour after your interview schedule.... written down for you.... was handed to you, and GONE OVER PERSON BY PERSON!!!!

The man has to have "some-timers"... as in, sometimes, I'm suprised he doesn't forget to fucking breathe. What good is having someone schedule shit, if you just make your own plans all the time???

Dear sweet Titty-Fucking-Christ..... he even said in an email, an hour before I handed it to him...
"Thanks,
Please make a calendar of my appt's for next week."

There isn't beer strong enough for this.....

Or this......

Busted by a porno virus..... Fuck it, I DO love this job...
- Kenny G.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

It's the small things in life... (Insert random joke about my penis here before posting)

How pathetic is it that, of all the things there are in life, my only joyful thoughts are that my latest entry in the "Funny or Die" caption contest might be a winner.....

Shouldn't there be larger dreams, goals, and hopes for me to aspire to??? Isn't life more than pining for 15 minutes of Internet fame?? Am I so devoid of true aspirations??

*Sob*... why don't you bring me flowers anymore!?!?!

..... Whoa.... too much LSD in the coffee this morning...

I'm back... But seriously....


"Contents of box: (1)cirrhotic liver; (1)extremely small penis; (1)lack of self respect; trace elements of bong resin (to preserve "freshness")".... that's funny, dammit!!
- Kenny G.

Friday, August 15, 2008

That's It!! I'm on the patch now!

I just took a smoke break, and got attacked by a 747!!

OK, maybe it was a dragonfly. I'm not sure. The thing is the biggest bug I've seen in many moons. It had to have a 3 inch wingspan, and kept flying around my head like it just polished off a half gallon of Skyy by itself. It was freaky to say the least...

Wait.. I just figured it out.....

Wow.... Homeland Security is really running out of budget for surveillance.....

- Kenny G.

Quiet Friday mornings, and my insatiable desire to chase groundhogs...

It's a nice morning today. The sun is out, the birds are pooping on my truck, and I am at peace. It's quiet in the office, other than this stupid "phone", so I don't have much to do. My morning pile-o-crap is completed, and my thumb is now securely.. well... you get the point..

My coffee is hot, and it's intoxicating aroma is leaving me with one thought: I want to catch the groundhog that's tearing up the landscaping in front of the office. I want to go out there, run it out of it's hole, chase it around, and watch it run into the cage we have sitting out by one of it's exit holes...... I know, I'm strange. Gimme a break, I've got a little bit of a hangover cloud above my head....

In other world news, Steve O. has a four day weekend to go watch the NASCAR race at MIS this weekend.... Lucky f#cker. that leaves me with today, as well as (oh joy) Monday, short handed. So, of course, this means the phone will be ringing all day with major issues for our best customers, and my myth of a boss will be even more unavailable for service calls. Yippee.

But, at least there's this:

http://www.elizaskinner.net/2008/08/13/hot-date-wear/

Is it any wonder why she's my favorite??

- Kenny G.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I wish this could wait.....

..... but, for the sake of all of us who eat at Burger King...

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1418565565?bctid=1726708550

I'm on a Chef Boyardee diet from now on.....

*generic wretching sound*

- Kenny G

Ok... Green had to go... seriously....

Green text no more.... Too hard on the eyes...... simple gray will do. Other color changes are just my ADD kicking in.

(You are welcome Steve O.)

:-)

- Kenny G.

The eternal wisdom of the Wendy's marketing team.

In an advertisement for the new "Baconator" burger, the briliant writers for the Wendy's corporation crafted the next buzz word in our modern lives:

Meatetarian: One who's diet consists solely of meats; IE: Beef, bacon.

It's truly the newest, and perhaps, greatest concept of our current times. Finally, those who subsist, as I do, on a carnivorous lifestyle, have a term to unify us. We are no longer many, walking about in life, alone, and shunned....

Meat Eaters, Unite! We are Meatetarians!!!

..... Either that... or I just really want a burger.....mmmmm...... burger......

- Kenny G.

Monday, August 11, 2008

And now, I feel dirty, broken, and ashamed... After I laughed my ass off....

Alright, fine. You win, Internet. I surrender....

I broke down and finally watched the "Paris Hilton Presidential Ad" on Funny Or Die....

(For my fellow hold-outs, it's here: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d . There's no use fighting it, you'll end up seeing it some day. Save your strength, and give in. )

Now, I could spend this post questioning the taste of so many who have commented on "how hot Paris is"... after I spend the required hours lurching up my lunch. Or, I could rant on, as so many have before me, about how "she's only famous for being famous", but the horse has been beaten into paste on that one. There's no point....

No, I'll just comment on this one observation: How the hell did she read that teleprompter so damn well????

Look, I saw "House of Wax" (because I love cheesy horror, OK!!! Deal with it!), and, I know first hand that this woman cannot act. Period. She couldn't even play dead convincingly... Nuff said...

But, in this small piece of political satire, she read the dialog so well, I almost forgot how vacant her head is. I was stunned at how informed and eloquent she sounded, and that's a shame I can't shower off...

Not to mention the fact that the "proposed plan" is brilliant in it's own right.... even coming out of Paris Hilton's mouth!!!!

Point is, I truly enjoyed this piece... even though I wish I hadn't.

........ See you in therapy bitches!!!

- Kenny G.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Death to the futon!!! Long live recliner-age!!!

That stinking, nasty, cat-piss covered, broken frame that tried to pass itself off as a futon is no more!!!! It was put to death today, in typical beer-fueled fashion: A hammer, a lot of twisting, and someone else's dumpster.

Now, I can behold true glory.... a recliner. Steve O. (Or more like, his wifey) decided that one of their recliners had to go bye bye, and I got to say "Hi Hi" to utter sitting bliss.


Doesn't this look like man-nerd-drunk heaven??

- Kenny G.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Why "The Longshots" pisses me off... and it's not even out yet!!....

(Spoilers Included. Just a warning)

Yes, I do mean that "Disney-esque" flick starring Ice-Cube. The one where he turns his nerdy niece into a star little-league football quarterback.

Before it even hit's the "Silver Screen", I promise I can spoil the plot for you. (The Inter-web already said, screw it, read it yourself.) Here's my guess: He's washed up, helps his niece learn football, she's great, the team sucks, the star kid-jock resents her, the brooding loner kid wants to stay, well, brooding and alone, and the "nerd no one wants around" is awkward and shy. The team gets better, Ice-Cube gets an ego and alienates his niece, team sucks again. He sees the error of his ways, makes amends, the team gets good again, make the championships, and then they win. Or, they lose. Doesn't matter. They all end up happy, and friends, at the end.

If you see it, and I'm wrong, let me know. I'd love to hear I'm wrong on this one.

But I'm not going to be. I may not have it line by line, but I'm damn close. Guaranteed. It's the same drivel we've been getting for decades. No matter how unlikely, or how absurd, the "Hero" always wins in the end. Even when they lose. It's the "lessons learned" that matter.

Horse Shit!!!!

This is not real life!!! You know folks, sometimes, the bad guys win. And the good guy dies. And that's fucking it! No "Justice finds a way" crap. It's over.

Back in good old ancient Greece, Oedipus ended up killing his dad, fucking his mom, she killed herself, he gouged his eyes out... THE END. No happy ending kids. That's it.

Give me a "Silence Of The Lambs" where Hannibal Lecter doesn't help Clarice catch the killer, but instead, breaks out, kills a shit-load of people, and walks off into the sunset. Give me a zombie flick where all the main characters die, and the zombies rule everything. Give me any generic action flick where the terrorists actually blow up their target, and the FBI fails. End of movie.

In other words, show me a movie where good loses for once, and evil wins the day......

.... And not like "Empire Strikes Back".. where you know good will win in the sequel...

I'm not saying "The Good Guy's win" is always bad cinema. I'm just saying that, to make a great film, be real: Sometimes, evil just wins. Period.

There's a reason that, even in a great film like "The Departed", where the "Good Guys" die, so do all the "Bad Guys".... so it all works out in the end.

If good old Matt Damon had lived, stayed a cop, and retired 25 years later, with full pension, I'd have loved the movie even more. It would have felt real, and honest.

But, we Americans, we need our "Happy Ending". The bad guys have to pay, or we feel slighted.

Sad, but oh so true.

Thank god there's Greek tragedies for us literate folk... :-) ......

Just kidding... but, come the hell on folks.... we need more Lecter, less Superman... Just saying....

- Kenny G.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Glorious Michigan: Shaped like a mitten, but it's really just an armpit.

Day by day, I'm convinced this state is literally imploding in on itself. Incompetence in every level of government, rampant corruption, and all of this wrapped in an economic free fall. Just check out a few of the multitude of "wonderful" news items from my god-forsaken-shit-sack of a state:

Sheriff 'Baffled' By Detroit Mayor's Actions:

Detroit Cop Files Whistleblower Suit:

Detroit plans layoffs after tunnel sale stalls:

Are you fucking kidding me? The largest city in the whole damned state is basically being run be a pimp. Yes, I called Kwame "Kwam Daddy" Kilpatrick a pimp. He is no damn leader. Text message scandal, assault charges pending, a dead stripper... how much more do these morons need to see before they put his ass to the curb???

"But Ken, he helped clean up downtown...".... No jackass, he didn't. That was Roger Penske, a "Rich-white man" business owner who, after the success of his clean-up of downtown for the Super Bowl a few years back, wanted to permanently do the job. Kwame and the City-Council-Clowns denied his request. Smart move, fuck-tards.

"Oh yeah, Kwame got us the Super Bowl, and the MLB All-Star Game..."... no, ass-hat, that was mostly former mayor Dennis Archer.... As are many of the things Kwame tries to claim.

On top of this, whilst the entire state rots in economic despair, here is all good old "Canadian Jenny", (IE: Governor Jennifer Granholm) is worried about:
1) not looking too attached to her "little butt-buddy" Kwame's misdeeds,
2) fucking over smokers and bars alike. (Go ahead, look up her proposed smoking ban.... It'll finish off the ailing bar industry, which is still hurting from tax increases and other initiatives intent to damn near make Michigan a dry state.)

.............But, at least we're not Ohio residents....

Ohioan bills Michigan $16 for work zone delay

- Kenny G

What's my final answer???

How bad was my weekend? It was actually this bad.....

(Yes, this IS a brewery....)



And there shall be weeping, and gnashing of teeth....

..............(OK, it wasn't that bad.... but this seemed to be the best followup to two posts ago... call me crazy..)

- Kenny G.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Loves the music... hate's the player...

Steve O. hates my music player..... the music is great... but the auto play pisses him the fuck off....

You see... "he reads several blogs"... of which mine is only one...

And.. he opens them all at once... in many tabs....

I know... lazy bitch...

He forgets... he's one of my only two readers....

My blog does not belong in a roll.....

Not even of toilet paper....

That's been used....

PUT MY DAMN BLOG ON A SEPERATE LIST... AND ROCK OUT WITH YOUR THUMB DRIVE OUT!!!!!!

....... even when I cater to a small audience.... I still can't please.....

And I quit crack for this???? :-)

- Kenny G.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Another weekend.... another phenomenal disappointment...

The only question:

Will the disappointment be this big.........
... this big.......
..... or this big......

I know, I know... makes me wanna cry too.....
- Kenny G.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Lemme walk you through a normal day around here.....

Day by day, this is what Steve O. and I have to deal with....





....... Yet, we never get to meet one of these.....



...... and we still can't find this place.....




Feeling our pain yet???
- Kenny G.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Random mashup of the inner voices.... If only I could get one of those "Take a Ticket" machines....

How the bloody hell could my boss not want me to stay on full time, when he's seen all the things that actually GOT FUCKING DONE with me around??? Is he clinically insane???

WTF is up with Big Brother 10??? How can there not be one truly likeable person in the whole group??? I mean, other than Jerry, but he's really old, and you know there's no chance he's gonna win.

Did the Detroit Tigers decide before the season even began to make it the absolute antithesis of their hockey contemporaries? With that big of a fucking team salary, that many talented players, and the hopes of so many fans riding on them, when does this season's abysmal performance end up just being an insult to the already broken city of Detroit?

While we're at it, why the fuck is "Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick" not ousted yet?? Especially after this shit: http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/16981263/detail.html?rss=det&psp=news

Is there any hope left here on Earth? War, scandal, infected produce, global warming.....

And-



..... is it any wonder I often shit my pants??
-Kenny G.