Peeling, Coughing, Pondering, all while screaming "Auntie Em! Auntie Em!!", and pissing your pants.

Please pardon my cynical rantings this time around... I'm sick.

Yes, it's official: I've got a cold.

I think it all started this past weekend. You see, my buddy Steve O. and I headed up north to help his Dad build a house for Grandma... from scratch...

Yes, me + power tools.... are they all fucking crazy?????

It was a long weekend, full of lumber, nails, and 196.34 degree temperatures.... I sweat more than a catholic priest watching "Kid Nation."

But, that's not the worst part. You see, I'm pasty... pasty white. So white, i'm luminescent. And it was sunny out.... So now, i'm burgundy (at least on my arms, face, and neck).... And, I'm peeling.

Peeling... me.... I don't peel, I'm supposed to burn, then tan.... not look like a reject from the leper colony!!!

But wait! There's more!! It also stormed rhino balls out where we were... big, nasty, "make your cat jump in your lap with it's claws out" type of storms.

I don't know if any of you have ever tried to hold an unsecured exterior wall of what may someday become a house in 70 MPH winds while some other guys try to secure it down with rusting nails and 2X4's, but it makes you realize the things you never want to do in life: parasailing, hang-gliding, you know, those types of botched suicide attempts....

Now, sitting at the office, reflecting on almost trading in my life to become "storm debris", Steve found a nice little story online: That little storm we were in, it produced a tornado just a few miles down the road from where we were getting soaked and hammered. I really DID almost die. Fun times Skippy!!!

Worst of all, I think, after being out in all that suprizingly frigid rain, and now-confimed tornado grade wind, I caught a fucking cold!!!!

Murphy, fuck you, and the laws you rode in on.

So now, I have little to do but reflect on all that transpired on this little trip. I got sunburned, sick, and nearly blown half way to bloody OZ, because I wanted to be a good friend and offer to help out with a big project. Nice.

Wait.... there was beer... free beer.... and a good night of short-track racing....


Think I'll go be going back this weekend. :-)

- Kenny G.

So this is Love ( In that "10-20 years in Sing Sing kinda way...)

So fine, I guess now, for the sake of telling this story, I must confess..... I am a guy!

Not that that is so shocking, but it comes with a few down sides:

A: I have been known to think with my dick from time to time..... Most of the time to time...... Ok, fine! All the Damned Time!!!

B: With A established, it's obvious to believe that I tend to make REALLY BAD JUDGEMENT CALLS now and again..

C: Continuing on this line.... I've been known to frequent the gentleman's clubs...

(I bet you can tell where this goes next.....)

Yes, I went to a titty bar one night, got suckered in by a stripper, and then (here's where it gets good..)...... wound up spending over $5000 dollars, and 5 months of my life trying to take care of her!!!!

Can I please have my helmet and drool bib now??!!

You see, she wasn't just a stripper...... She was a junkie (Wow! Shocker!), and a big-time one at that. No, not something simple like coke, or even crack. Nope, we're talkin' the big leagues here : "H"... (No, after all of this, I still can't type out or say the whole word. It sickens me.)

We're talking around a $120-$150 per day habit.... And I found out about it early on... real early...

You see, back in my less cynical days, I used to try to care about stuff, (You know, trees, cows, air... and people), and I somehow convinced myself that my caring, and compassion, (as well as what money I had at the time), could save her... (Are we still sure she was the drug addict??)

Well, 2 months in, this Jery Springer episode gone wrong got a lot worse.... I found out she was pregnant.... And It wasn't mine..... She was knocked up before I even met her... Lucky me....

So, thanks to my big(fucking retarded) heart, I offered to let her,... and her "brother", move in with me.

Does your head hurt yet :-) ??

Yep, now, there I was, supporting myself, a now unemployed pregnant junkie, and her unemployed"brother", on my lonely paycheck.... living the dope fiend life... And it damned near broke me in half...

You see, my naive, trusting, blindly/ignorantly optimistic ass was being dragged so far down, I even tried a few substances that I never thought i'd think about touching... And I almost lost myself in it...

The only thing that really saved me was also the worst part of the whole time... getting robbed.

... By her, and her "brother"... (If you haven't figured it out by now... turns out he's the baby-daddy, not her brother... Just another example of my blindness to the truth)

They took quite a few of my things, as well as items that my friends had left with me, such as an x-box, a PS2, and so on, and so forth....

After numerous fights, and 2 times of "attempted reconciliation", ( otherwise known as "extended fleecing of my wallet" ), I finally found my brain and balls, and sent her packing... after she'd bled me dry of money, self-respect, compassion, and respect from my friends and family...

Now, i've spent the last year or so trying to pick-up the pieces.... I still owe a lot to all the people who helped me "take care of her"... and to all the people who lost things to my stupidity...

I'm still trying to understand what let me remain so weak, and stupid, for all those months, bleeding cash and spirit for this wretched bitch...

I guess, when all is said and done, I did it for Love. Love that I wanted so bad, i'd take it from anywhere, even if it wasn't real at all...

A lesson we all need to learn, but hopefully, not the same way.

Till next time,

-Kenny G.