Friday, July 18, 2008

Applesauce!!!! In moment form.

I was thinking the other day, back to some of the things my ever-changing group of friends have taught me. And there, under a few inches of dust, sat one of the most true, but under-noticed concepts I have ever known: The Applesauce Moment.

What is the "Applesauce Moment" you ask? Why, it's simple dear friend. Allow me to demonstrate.

(P.S.: This is just a random example I threw together. This particular situation never happened to me..... but it's a damned good example....)

Let's say you and a few friends are gathered around, discussing a wide array of topics. Suddenly, one of your friends begins ranting about policies that Alan Greenspan put in place during his tenure, and your mind begins to drift. It's not that you want to disrespect your friend, but, come on, Greenspan?? And thus, the rabbit trail in your mind begins:

"Geez, Alan Greenspan. How boring....."
"Heh heh, Greenspan. What kind of name is that. I've never seen a 'Green Span' in my life..."
"That reminds me, isn't that movie The Green Mile on tonight.. I liked that movie."
"What's that one actor's name... Michael Clarke Duncan.. yeah, him. He's a big guy."
"He was in Armageddon too, wasn't he?"
"I kinda liked Deep Impact better, but Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck got the bigger box office draw. So very sad....."
"Affleck. Heh, not a big fan. And he's got a funny name too..."
"Affleck... AFLAC!.... that duck is hilarious."
"I love that one commercial where the duck was driving NASCAR, and all the feathers were pouring out of the car... funny stuff."
"Why do they call feathers 'down' anyways? Who came up with that idea."
"I like down pillows a lot.... and down comforters..."
"Damn cat peed on my comforter last night! That smell never comes out..Grrr..."

And here, in the middle of the conversation going on around you, from your mouth pops "I need to go buy a new damned comforter!"

Your friends, unaware of your current train of thought, look at you with questioning eyes, and ask: "What the hell does your comforter have to do with Alan Greenspan?"

For a moment, your wonder how they couldn't know. Then you realize that you took that winding mental journey alone. In an attempt to not look clinically insane, you try desperately to walk them through... Green Mile, AFLAC.... all the way through the chain that made perfect sense to you....

.... and then you get the look. That look of "OK.... I guess it did follow some train of thought... but seriously... WTF????"

Hence, the Applesauce Moment. (It was thus named because the original explanation I was given began with discussion about a recent vacation between my friend Chris B. and some of his other friends, and ended with one of the girls blurting out "I like applesauce!" Her train of thought was no less twisted, but it made sense. Since then, the name has stuck.)

We all have had our own version of the Applesauce Moment, or at the very least, been present for one. That song on the radio that reminds you to buy cat food, the news story on global warming that reminds you of your third grade gym teacher, you know, the one with the huge mole.

It happens all the time, and when one hits us, we can't help but laugh out loud at the crazy, twisted, but completely logical road that connected these two unrelated items. We sit in awe of how complex our minds can get, especially over the simplest of events.

And for a moment, the world seems fun again.....

.....Damn, I really want an Egg McMuffin......

- Kenny G.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Moral of the story... the Geek shall inherit the Earth (or, "don't piss off the computer guy")

It's a miracle, 2 posts in one day....

But this gem was too good to pass up...

Talk about Giga-balls.....

- Kenny G.

For posterior's sake....

I really love's word of the day, especially today.

Word of the Day Archive
Thursday July 17, 2008

anodyne \AN-uh-dyn\, adjective:
1. Serving to relieve pain; soothing.
2. Not likely to offend; bland; innocuous.

1. A medicine that relieves pain.
2. Anything that calms, comforts, or soothes disturbed feelings.

{Numbness . . . may have replaced pain as the complaint of our century now that aspirin analgesia, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory agents (NSAIDS), and other anodynes can take away the pains of the civilized world.-- Howard M. Spiro, Facing Death}

In other words....... Beer.

- Kenny G.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Screw the discontinued "Bud Light Abilities".... Bud Light Lime works better.....

Bud Light Lime..... now with "makes you think a little less about your vehicular problems".

No... I'm not kidding... that fuckity-fuckin shit-fucker of a truck broke... again.....

Transmission problems, brake problems, turn signal problems, suspension problems, and a fucking cracked windshield.... with the newest addition of the "no longer works after-market alarm" deciding to re-engage the fucking killswitch and flashers (thank Odin the damned siren's been disconnected for 8 years..)

Seriously... you try doing all of your daily driving with no fucking reverse!!!! AND MAKING IT WORK!!!!

That's right..... I know how to rig my way through damned near anything.....

Shit... thinking about the truck again..... Beer must be wearing off....

Waitress! Bring another round......

Shit.... I AM the waitress.... gotta go.....

- Kenny G.

Monday, July 14, 2008

"What dreams mean"... or..... "Why I shouldn't eat spicy stir-fry right before bed"...

Ok, I need to ask: Am I the only freak that has this problem?

(I know Steve O. already said "Yes" very loudly at the monitor.... Shut up Steve.)

It seems, every single dream I have, weird shit goes on all around me. Almost none of it makes sense, and I know, in the dream, that it doesn't make sense, but it still seems normal to me in the dream.

First: Often in my dreams, there are plenty of cameos. Friends, family, assholes I know from the bar, anyone is fair game to make an appearance in one of my dreams. That's not the problem. The problem, it's that these people I know, know well, know exactly how they look/act/sound, look/act/sound completely different in my dream. They have a completely new face, hair/eye color, they get taller or shorter. End result, they look nothing like what they look like in the waking world. Yet, somehow in my dream, I know this strange figure as a real person I know very well.

(I know. I AM a freak.... Don't worry, the rabbit hole gets deeper.)

Second: The same thing happens with places I know very well; my old High School, my Step-dad's bar, so on and so forth. I mean, I've hung out at that bar for 8 years. I've bar tended there, managed the place, and hung out more than should be humanly possible. I know every last inch of that place, including the damned roof. Yet, in dreams, it's all misshapen. The bar is many feet longer, furniture that has never been there is in the dream, rooms that don't exist stretch on for yards. Yet, in my dream, it's the bar to me, and it doesn't feel strange.

(This wouldn't bug me if it had only happened once or twice. But this acid trip is a constant thing.)

Third: This one scares the ever-loving shit out of me, because it must be some sort of deep-rooted psychosis or something. I often have dreams that I'm in some sort of fire-fight. I'm the good guy, the bad guys are chasing me, and, as I'm holding position in some little nook, loading my gun, I'm getting ready for my last stand. The gun's loaded (I know it is, I just checked.), I run out, the shooting begins, and the gun doesn't fire. Even at point blank, I pull the trigger, it goes bang, but nothing comes out. I end up getting shot, dying, and moving on to the next dream. WTF!!!! I'm the GOOD GUY!!! I'm supposed to WIN!!!!!

Ok.... I think that's deep enough into the labyrinth for now.... I'll discuss more at another time.... I really should be getting back to work now.....

....... wait....... what's this hallway over here???..... it wasn't there befo.... AHHH!!!!

I know... cheesy.... but I needed a closing wisecrack... and the coffee hasn't done it's job yet!!!

- Kenny G.