Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Jury Duty Part 2: Real Lawyers--- Like Potatoes, only less intelligent.

Welcome back! Didja miss me?? No? Well, screw you too..... Just kidding everybody(no one)..

So, where was I? Oh yeah... the Trial of The Century.....

I swear, this whole thing was the perfect example of every single element that is wrong with our current legal system, hands down. From incompetent prosecutors and pathetic defense counsel ("Um, Uh" is not a legal term I want to hear 80 fucking times asshole!!), shady witnesses for both sides, to extremely shoddy police work (8 calls to 911 to get officers out there?? Come on!!), and a judge who seemed more interested in getting to the end of the case than the actual case itself, I truly believe the only functional brains in the entire courtroom were in the jury box.

It was initially explained to us as a simple B&E case. Basically, "Baby Momma" claims that "Baby Daddy" and "Jr." (the child they have in common), along with "Daddy's Cousin", broke into her house last November. Would it surprise you if I said there was an ongoing custody dispute here?? :-P

The story was as follows: She came home with 4 of her other children, saw a car in the church parking lot across the street flashing it's lights and blaring the horn, and her front door was open. "Jr" came running out the front door, "Daddy" went out the back door, which had been kicked in, shit was missing, so on and so forth....

The testimony went like this:

Prosecution- "Baby Momma" & "Eldest Son"--- "It happened, they did it."
"Desk Cop Working that night"----- " Yes, she called 911 8 times, and a report was filed"

Defense- "Baby Daddy", "Cousin", & "Jr."--- "We didn't do it, that bitch is crazy"
"Cousin's Aunty"--- "That bitch is lying and crazy"
"Warrant Prosecutor"--- "Yes, I signed that warrant"

.... Deliberate!!

Seriously.... that's all they gave us.... no testimony from the cops actually on the scene (albeit 2 hours later, but hey, better late than never, right?)... no pictures... nothing but a bunch of bullshit from a bunch of liars... Yay.

... The "Best Part".... After all this tedious crap... I GET PICKED AS AN ALTERNATE, AND DON'T EVEN GET TO DELIBERATE!!!!!

Found 'em not guilty though... it only took the others 10 minutes to decide it...

Not that I truly care anymore.... my "give-a-fuck" is broken... and my head hurts... I hate courtrooms... what a sad waste of time.... I can't find a good way to end this post... fuck it...

- Kenny G.

First came Mambo # 5, now... Juror # 2!!

"Hurry up and wait!!"---- The unspoken motto of our legal system.

Yeah, you guessed it.... I got to spend the first two days of this work week being a Nielsen family for the "Drying Paint Network"... AKA: Jury Duty. And sweet leaping Buddha in Tijuana, was it boring.

The first day began at the Oh-So-Wonderful time of 6AM.... You know, when I'm usually getting my third or forth hour of sleep... I had to drag my sorry ass out of bed, and then drag it all the way to DOWNTOWN FUCKING DETROIT!!... the land where even the air smells like incompetence and failure.

I did, however, get to see the God-awful monstrosity that Greektown Casino (fucking bastards!!) is trying to call a hotel. I swear, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time... It's being built right next door to the Juvenile Detention Facility.. I shit you not...

Next, I got to stand in the cattle chute they try to call "Security".... until finally, I got to empty my pockets, and realize that I get to be wanded down because I was foolish enough to wear a "belt"... while the asshole several people behind me smuggled in his cell phone in his shoe... Again.. shit you not...

So finally, after all that waiting in line, I get to the assembly room, with about 300 or so other lucky civic-minded citizens.... to wait.... (See the pattern yet?)

After about 3 hours of this, as my mind is rapidly transforming from jello into jello-water... my group gets called. All 32 or so of us hurriedly get to the counter, rapidly handing our juror cards to the secretary, and rush up to our assigned court room so that we could, of course, wait.....

Over an hour later, we get to go in, and the jury selection begins... the first 14 are called... and I'm not one of them. I get this elated feeling that, maybe, for the second time in my life, I won't actually have to sit on a jury... Then, I watch my hopes shatter. 5 people excused from the jury.. 5 replacements (still not me)... 4 excused... and so on, until, I am alone... the last name not called... with the 14 jurors sitting on the panel... until one JACKASS gets his ass excused with some bullshit about a "business trip".... and I get screwed....


Lunch break comes and goes.... and the trial begins...

Tune in for Jury Duty Part 2: Real Lawyers--- Like Potatoes, only less intelligent.

- Kenny G.