Duck Farts, and other transposed vulgarities...

Duck Farts!

I'm really starting to get a complex about this whole dart league thing. Even I should be able to get a few wins now and again, but, somehow, I keep letting my team down...

I posted a rant here ( Some people can't find their ass with both hands and a map... I can't find triple 20's... ), so I won't repeat.

These People Rucking Fule!

I must say, I've made a bunch of new friends on Funny Or Die, and It's making me feel this weird emotion... I think it's called "Hap-Pi-Ness"... or something like that... So I'll be spending a lot of time over there, posting stuff. Check me out if you get bored/struck in the head by a ball peen hammer...

Yells Heah, Fothermucker!

There's a lot of awesome people and stuff on there (and me)... Here's a great post I found today... totally sounds like my normal day at work.. bipolarboy, yur my hero

You think you're confused?

Sholy Hit!

With that being said, I'm actually planning on making a video, and posting it up there for public scrutiny. I know... I'm out of mu mucking find... but hey... I need to fill the void of a departing Steve O. somehow... and crack costs too much.

Fhat The Wuck?

Speaking of Steve O., look at what his (and somewhat my) beer-addled cerebellum came up with...

"Why you don't piss off friends at the bar.", "Alchy-Engineering.".... or "Bar Survival Kit."... You decide...

- Kenny G.

Caution: This post requires a hardhat, hip-waders, and three hits of Ecstasy...

So, in an attempt (read: waste of oxygen & brain power) to prepare myself for the major changes in the/my near future, I'm trying to clear my mind of all the trivial thoughtlets cluttering me up. Here's a few:

1. I never shared with my "audience" (snicker snicker, laugh laugh... weep) one of my favorite pieces of Webby-Goodness.... Here you go!
2. It's official! (Actually, it was official Sept. 4th, but I never mentioned it.... I'm lazy) Mayor Kwam-Daddy is out, and doing "time"... mind you, it's only like a month or two... but at least his crooked ass is gone for a few years.... till the Fucktards in Detroit vote him back in... Dammit! Now my "Happy Dance" feels all unwarranted and stuff...
3. In an older post, I said:"WTF is up with Big Brother 10??? How can there not be one truly likable person in the whole group??? I mean, other than Jerry, but he's really old, and you know there's no chance he's gonna win.".....
4. ......And I was wrong..... F*ck Jerry's old antagonistic ass, Go Dan!!! Win one for the hometown!!!
5. A long time ago, I started writing a book.... and then I stopped.... I suck....and I'm lazy.... 'nuff said
6. How morbid is it that I'm kinda disappointed that the Large Hadron Collider didn't cause an "Earth-shattering", or at least a "Earth-shaking" kaboom? In addition, how sad is it that http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/ makes me smile?

I feel a little better now..... almost good enough to not long for Death's sweet embrace with desperation and anxiously open arms.... just regular open arms.... Damn I need to get laid... and a beer.... and a truck with reverse.... :-)

- Kenny G.

Gray clouds on the horizon, right next to the blue balls and red ballons...

... Yah, I know.. random "Lucky Charm's" references are kinda lame... but f*ck it... I'm in no mood.

It's one of those times when you know all you're getting right now is foreplay from the storm, and the real fan-shit-hitting experience is on deck. The type of foreboding gloom that makes you wet yourself profusely at inappropriate times, staining your favorite pants forever.

Here's a few quick hit outlooks on my, and in ways, all of our, impending doom:

• Election '08: We can pray McCain brings back his old renegade ways and turns this nation around, or pray Obama truly is the second coming of Kennedy that will save us. We can fear McCain = 4 more years of Bush, and Obama = The untested student driver pulling onto the freeway. My guess --- We're hosed either way, so I may just vote for Yoda.


• My Career: I may end up full-time very soon, pending a parting of ways with our marketing lady. Maybe. After all the shit I've seen here, it wouldn't surprise me to stay on bitch-hours, even if she's gone.


• My Wallet: Even with full-time, my financial forecast is grim. Not as grim as the reaper guy, but damned close. Day by day, the combination of this job, my bad luck/lack of marketable skills, and my inability to seek out better employment, makes bankruptcy loom ever closer to being the only escape.


• My Home-Skillet: With Steve O.'s inevitable departure to warmer climates, I may soon return to a realm I haven't known in quite a while --- the days of no best friend in my every day life. Sure, Baize (my other befri..) and I still talk, and we're still close, but there's a big difference between seeing each other all the time, and talking once a month on the phone.


• My Self-Fulfilling Cluster Fuck of a Mentality: All these things have a tendency of stressing me out, which makes me worry. As I worry, I worry about worrying. This worry helps keep my morale low, helping to make me a more miserable SOB, which, in turn, helps make the situation worse, starting the whole process over, resulting in some fucked up Mobius Strip of self-loathing... you know... the kind the girl's just love to date. :-)

........ what? I'm supposed to be funny EVERY post?? Fine!

HAPPY NOW FUCKER!!!! :-)

- Kenny G.

Jury Duty Part 2: Real Lawyers--- Like Potatoes, only less intelligent.

Welcome back! Didja miss me?? No? Well, screw you too..... Just kidding everybody(no one)..

So, where was I? Oh yeah... the Trial of The Century.....

I swear, this whole thing was the perfect example of every single element that is wrong with our current legal system, hands down. From incompetent prosecutors and pathetic defense counsel ("Um, Uh" is not a legal term I want to hear 80 fucking times asshole!!), shady witnesses for both sides, to extremely shoddy police work (8 calls to 911 to get officers out there?? Come on!!), and a judge who seemed more interested in getting to the end of the case than the actual case itself, I truly believe the only functional brains in the entire courtroom were in the jury box.

It was initially explained to us as a simple B&E case. Basically, "Baby Momma" claims that "Baby Daddy" and "Jr." (the child they have in common), along with "Daddy's Cousin", broke into her house last November. Would it surprise you if I said there was an ongoing custody dispute here?? :-P

The story was as follows: She came home with 4 of her other children, saw a car in the church parking lot across the street flashing it's lights and blaring the horn, and her front door was open. "Jr" came running out the front door, "Daddy" went out the back door, which had been kicked in, shit was missing, so on and so forth....

The testimony went like this:

Prosecution- "Baby Momma" & "Eldest Son"--- "It happened, they did it."
"Desk Cop Working that night"----- " Yes, she called 911 8 times, and a report was filed"

Defense- "Baby Daddy", "Cousin", & "Jr."--- "We didn't do it, that bitch is crazy"
"Cousin's Aunty"--- "That bitch is lying and crazy"
"Warrant Prosecutor"--- "Yes, I signed that warrant"

.... Deliberate!!

Seriously.... that's all they gave us.... no testimony from the cops actually on the scene (albeit 2 hours later, but hey, better late than never, right?)... no pictures... nothing but a bunch of bullshit from a bunch of liars... Yay.

... The "Best Part".... After all this tedious crap... I GET PICKED AS AN ALTERNATE, AND DON'T EVEN GET TO DELIBERATE!!!!!

Found 'em not guilty though... it only took the others 10 minutes to decide it...

Not that I truly care anymore.... my "give-a-fuck" is broken... and my head hurts... I hate courtrooms... what a sad waste of time.... I can't find a good way to end this post... fuck it...

- Kenny G.

First came Mambo # 5, now... Juror # 2!!

"Hurry up and wait!!"---- The unspoken motto of our legal system.

Yeah, you guessed it.... I got to spend the first two days of this work week being a Nielsen family for the "Drying Paint Network"... AKA: Jury Duty. And sweet leaping Buddha in Tijuana, was it boring.

The first day began at the Oh-So-Wonderful time of 6AM.... You know, when I'm usually getting my third or forth hour of sleep... I had to drag my sorry ass out of bed, and then drag it all the way to DOWNTOWN FUCKING DETROIT!!... the land where even the air smells like incompetence and failure.

I did, however, get to see the God-awful monstrosity that Greektown Casino (fucking bastards!!) is trying to call a hotel. I swear, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time... It's being built right next door to the Juvenile Detention Facility.. I shit you not...

Next, I got to stand in the cattle chute they try to call "Security".... until finally, I got to empty my pockets, and realize that I get to be wanded down because I was foolish enough to wear a "belt"... while the asshole several people behind me smuggled in his cell phone in his shoe... Again.. shit you not...

So finally, after all that waiting in line, I get to the assembly room, with about 300 or so other lucky civic-minded citizens.... to wait.... (See the pattern yet?)

After about 3 hours of this, as my mind is rapidly transforming from jello into jello-water... my group gets called. All 32 or so of us hurriedly get to the counter, rapidly handing our juror cards to the secretary, and rush up to our assigned court room so that we could, of course, wait.....

Over an hour later, we get to go in, and the jury selection begins... the first 14 are called... and I'm not one of them. I get this elated feeling that, maybe, for the second time in my life, I won't actually have to sit on a jury... Then, I watch my hopes shatter. 5 people excused from the jury.. 5 replacements (still not me)... 4 excused... and so on, until, I am alone... the last name not called... with the 14 jurors sitting on the panel... until one JACKASS gets his ass excused with some bullshit about a "business trip".... and I get screwed....

FORKINFIGNEWTON!!!!

Lunch break comes and goes.... and the trial begins...

Tune in for Jury Duty Part 2: Real Lawyers--- Like Potatoes, only less intelligent.

- Kenny G.

While the cat's away.... We're gonna crap in his office.

So, the boss(es) are out of town, for a conference, and Steve O. and I are left to man the front lines all day today....

HURR-F*CKIN-AY!!!!!

Pros:
1) No inane bullshit reschedules.... hopefully....
2) Being late didn't get me an evil scowl. Except from Steve O. But I'm used to that.
3) We're allowed today (according to us) to slack a bit...

Cons:
1) I'm stuck doing payroll for the week... hope I don't FUBAR everything
2) Any big customer issue that requires the boss' knowledge is hosed until Monday... but we'll still get bitched out for it..
3) Murphy WILL be in full swing, since there's less people here to catch the falling turds..

All in all, all I can say is this:

I don't want Jury Duty on Monday!!!!

- Kenny G.

If no one is reading... does a pissed off blogger still suck?

I just stopped an anti-virus scan for this...

May Zeus save my sole... (The left... the right has too many holes to save... It's ruined...)

Just... I dunno... I just saw this ad for Levi jeans.... kinda bugged me:

*Stripping*

Guy: I'm not really in a band....

*Stripping*

Girl: I'm not really with a label...

*Stripping*

Guy:I'm really from Detroit...

*Enter random apartment.. and yes... more stripping....*

Girl: This isn't really my apartment...

*Lights turn on, picture of random family on the other side of the ethnic rainbow from our current characters.. and yes... yet more stripping, ending at the level of nakedness that is the furthest network T.V. can reach without fines... Levi's logo... fade to black...*

OK... seriously... Gandhi knows I am no prude... but... isn't this level of advertising... for jeans of all things... a little whorish..???

Have we sank this low as a culture that this is truly the best way to hock clothing at the masses...??? Telling the consumer that "Buy our product... and you will be able to lie your way into having relations with a liar as skilled as you... as well as justifying breaking & entering, so long as you copulate..."

Is this the future of product sales??

Or do I just need to get laid that fucking bad..??

You decide...

- Kenny G.

It's 3AM, and you have an email.... why would you want to open it?

.... I'll tell you why.... because it's you boss telling you you have to work in 6 hours!!!!

That is... if you're me... in my fucked up little trip down the rabbit hole I call employment.... No.. I'm not kidding... I actually received an email at 10PM last night, which I didn't check until 3AM (and why should I check it... it's my work email... and I wasn't working...)...

And, even better, it's interviews.... AGAIN!!!!

I know... I should be happy to be getting the hours.... but it would have been nice to actually have gotten some sleep before this... (After that email.. I couldn't get to sleep to quickly... plus... my cat is retarded, and thinks lights out = play time.... with my feet... and his claws.... little asshole...)

Oh well... another day, another $1.6873657... rounded up....

- Kenny G.

HFSIF!! ( Holy F*cking Sh*t, It's Friday...)

So... you remember that old song, "Manic Monday"??

Crock of horse defecation that one is... Monday isn't the issue here people.... It's Friday.

On Monday, you're all rested from the weekend you've (hopefully) had off. You've got all those fresh memories of all the partying, or sitting around doing nothing, that you just spent every minute since you left work on Friday doing. Sure, you may (will) have a hangover, but no pain, no play, right?

No, Friday is the shit-tastic day of the week.... You've just spent the whole week working your soul away, dealing with every inane inconsistency your boss could muster, every asshole customer, and every possible instance of "Murphy's law" ever seen by mortal eyes. You've tried to catch as many "Happy Hours" as you could, hoping that a few cocktails would soothe your aching brain, but that is hard to do when, long before the stress is gone, you take the "I gotta work tomorrow" early train out of your favorite bar.

So, Friday comes, and you rush out from work, intent on making up all the steam-blowing-off you're behind on from the week, barely putting the car in park before your ass hits the bar stool, slamming fuzzy navels at Mach 3, until, before the night's ball game even begins, you're wasted...

Now, in an attempt to overpower your failing liver, you stay, even though your blood could fuel the next space shuttle launch, and your wallet is weeping from it's sudden hemorrhaging, and you end up so incoherently fucked up, you now have to waste Saturday recovering, rather than engaged in a keg stand with the frat boys that live four doors down from you....

Shitty.... Or in other words....

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYBODY!!!

- Kenny G.

Coming soon to a theater near you: Interviews With An Office Monkey

So... Um, WTF?

I'm not the "Tech Guy" around here.... I'm not even remotely "Techy"... I'm the Office Manager(read: Bitch)... So, why in the name of Thor's taint am I the one interviewing replacements for Steve O.??

Not that I mind... It's an honor to be trusted with such a big task... and even better to be getting the extra hours for being in the office for this... Still, it's a little over my head now isn't it??

I'm pretty much asking questions that I don't frickin' know the real answers for... As well as trying to get a half-assed feel for how these applicants are in customer service... This is not a situation where I like flying by the seat of my pants...

... Hold on... I just got a memo from my manhood... what's it say....

" MAN UP AND FUCKIN' DO THIS..... YOU PUSSY BOY!!!"

............ Dammit.....

- Kenny G.