I WORK FOR A RETARDED GOLDFISH!!!!

How the fuck do you forget that you are interviewing people, less than an hour after your interview schedule.... written down for you.... was handed to you, and GONE OVER PERSON BY PERSON!!!!

The man has to have "some-timers"... as in, sometimes, I'm suprised he doesn't forget to fucking breathe. What good is having someone schedule shit, if you just make your own plans all the time???

Dear sweet Titty-Fucking-Christ..... he even said in an email, an hour before I handed it to him...

"Thanks,
Please make a calendar of my appt's for next week."

There isn't beer strong enough for this.....

Or this......

Busted by a porno virus..... Fuck it, I DO love this job...

- Kenny G.

It's the small things in life... (Insert random joke about my penis here before posting)

How pathetic is it that, of all the things there are in life, my only joyful thoughts are that my latest entry in the "Funny or Die" caption contest might be a winner.....

Shouldn't there be larger dreams, goals, and hopes for me to aspire to??? Isn't life more than pining for 15 minutes of Internet fame?? Am I so devoid of true aspirations??

*Sob*... why don't you bring me flowers anymore!?!?!

..... Whoa.... too much LSD in the coffee this morning...

I'm back... But seriously....

"Contents of box: (1)cirrhotic liver; (1)extremely small penis; (1)lack of self respect; trace elements of bong resin (to preserve "freshness")".... that's funny, dammit!!

- Kenny G.

That's It!! I'm on the patch now!

I just took a smoke break, and got attacked by a 747!!

OK, maybe it was a dragonfly. I'm not sure. The thing is the biggest bug I've seen in many moons. It had to have a 3 inch wingspan, and kept flying around my head like it just polished off a half gallon of Skyy by itself. It was freaky to say the least...

Wait.. I just figured it out.....

Wow.... Homeland Security is really running out of budget for surveillance.....

- Kenny G.

Quiet Friday mornings, and my insatiable desire to chase groundhogs...

It's a nice morning today. The sun is out, the birds are pooping on my truck, and I am at peace. It's quiet in the office, other than this stupid "phone", so I don't have much to do. My morning pile-o-crap is completed, and my thumb is now securely.. well... you get the point..

My coffee is hot, and it's intoxicating aroma is leaving me with one thought: I want to catch the groundhog that's tearing up the landscaping in front of the office. I want to go out there, run it out of it's hole, chase it around, and watch it run into the cage we have sitting out by one of it's exit holes...... I know, I'm strange. Gimme a break, I've got a little bit of a hangover cloud above my head....

In other world news, Steve O. has a four day weekend to go watch the NASCAR race at MIS this weekend.... Lucky f#cker. that leaves me with today, as well as (oh joy) Monday, short handed. So, of course, this means the phone will be ringing all day with major issues for our best customers, and my myth of a boss will be even more unavailable for service calls. Yippee.

But, at least there's this:

http://www.elizaskinner.net/2008/08/13/hot-date-wear/

Is it any wonder why she's my favorite??

- Kenny G.

I wish this could wait.....

..... but, for the sake of all of us who eat at Burger King...

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1418565565?bctid=1726708550

I'm on a Chef Boyardee diet from now on.....

*generic wretching sound*

- Kenny G

Ok... Green had to go... seriously....

Green text no more.... Too hard on the eyes...... simple gray will do. Other color changes are just my ADD kicking in.

(You are welcome Steve O.)

:-)

- Kenny G.

The eternal wisdom of the Wendy's marketing team.

In an advertisement for the new "Baconator" burger, the briliant writers for the Wendy's corporation crafted the next buzz word in our modern lives:

Meatetarian: One who's diet consists solely of meats; IE: Beef, bacon.

It's truly the newest, and perhaps, greatest concept of our current times. Finally, those who subsist, as I do, on a carnivorous lifestyle, have a term to unify us. We are no longer many, walking about in life, alone, and shunned....

Meat Eaters, Unite! We are Meatetarians!!!

..... Either that... or I just really want a burger.....mmmmm...... burger......

- Kenny G.

And now, I feel dirty, broken, and ashamed... After I laughed my ass off....

Alright, fine. You win, Internet. I surrender....

I broke down and finally watched the "Paris Hilton Presidential Ad" on Funny Or Die....

(For my fellow hold-outs, it's here: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d . There's no use fighting it, you'll end up seeing it some day. Save your strength, and give in. )

Now, I could spend this post questioning the taste of so many who have commented on "how hot Paris is"... after I spend the required hours lurching up my lunch. Or, I could rant on, as so many have before me, about how "she's only famous for being famous", but the horse has been beaten into paste on that one. There's no point....

No, I'll just comment on this one observation: How the hell did she read that teleprompter so damn well????

Look, I saw "House of Wax" (because I love cheesy horror, OK!!! Deal with it!), and, I know first hand that this woman cannot act. Period. She couldn't even play dead convincingly... Nuff said...

But, in this small piece of political satire, she read the dialog so well, I almost forgot how vacant her head is. I was stunned at how informed and eloquent she sounded, and that's a shame I can't shower off...

Not to mention the fact that the "proposed plan" is brilliant in it's own right.... even coming out of Paris Hilton's mouth!!!!

Point is, I truly enjoyed this piece... even though I wish I hadn't.

........ See you in therapy bitches!!!

- Kenny G.

Death to the futon!!! Long live recliner-age!!!

That stinking, nasty, cat-piss covered, broken frame that tried to pass itself off as a futon is no more!!!! It was put to death today, in typical beer-fueled fashion: A hammer, a lot of twisting, and someone else's dumpster.

Now, I can behold true glory.... a recliner. Steve O. (Or more like, his wifey) decided that one of their recliners had to go bye bye, and I got to say "Hi Hi" to utter sitting bliss.

Doesn't this look like man-nerd-drunk heaven??

- Kenny G.

Why "The Longshots" pisses me off... and it's not even out yet!!....

(Spoilers Included. Just a warning)

Yes, I do mean that "Disney-esque" flick starring Ice-Cube. The one where he turns his nerdy niece into a star little-league football quarterback.

Before it even hit's the "Silver Screen", I promise I can spoil the plot for you. (The Inter-web already said, screw it, read it yourself.) Here's my guess: He's washed up, helps his niece learn football, she's great, the team sucks, the star kid-jock resents her, the brooding loner kid wants to stay, well, brooding and alone, and the "nerd no one wants around" is awkward and shy. The team gets better, Ice-Cube gets an ego and alienates his niece, team sucks again. He sees the error of his ways, makes amends, the team gets good again, make the championships, and then they win. Or, they lose. Doesn't matter. They all end up happy, and friends, at the end.

If you see it, and I'm wrong, let me know. I'd love to hear I'm wrong on this one.

But I'm not going to be. I may not have it line by line, but I'm damn close. Guaranteed. It's the same drivel we've been getting for decades. No matter how unlikely, or how absurd, the "Hero" always wins in the end. Even when they lose. It's the "lessons learned" that matter.

Horse Shit!!!!

This is not real life!!! You know folks, sometimes, the bad guys win. And the good guy dies. And that's fucking it! No "Justice finds a way" crap. It's over.

Back in good old ancient Greece, Oedipus ended up killing his dad, fucking his mom, she killed herself, he gouged his eyes out... THE END. No happy ending kids. That's it.

Give me a "Silence Of The Lambs" where Hannibal Lecter doesn't help Clarice catch the killer, but instead, breaks out, kills a shit-load of people, and walks off into the sunset. Give me a zombie flick where all the main characters die, and the zombies rule everything. Give me any generic action flick where the terrorists actually blow up their target, and the FBI fails. End of movie.

In other words, show me a movie where good loses for once, and evil wins the day......

.... And not like "Empire Strikes Back".. where you know good will win in the sequel...

I'm not saying "The Good Guy's win" is always bad cinema. I'm just saying that, to make a great film, be real: Sometimes, evil just wins. Period.

There's a reason that, even in a great film like "The Departed", where the "Good Guys" die, so do all the "Bad Guys".... so it all works out in the end.

If good old Matt Damon had lived, stayed a cop, and retired 25 years later, with full pension, I'd have loved the movie even more. It would have felt real, and honest.

But, we Americans, we need our "Happy Ending". The bad guys have to pay, or we feel slighted.

Sad, but oh so true.

Thank god there's Greek tragedies for us literate folk... :-) ......

Just kidding... but, come the hell on folks.... we need more Lecter, less Superman... Just saying....

- Kenny G.