Return Of The Not Suckage!!!

No... not "Nut Suckage" you perverts... I have no sex life. :-)

Nope... I'm talking two of my favoite-est things in forevers and stuff:

1) NASCAR!!!

Daytona 500 bitches!!! Yes, I know... it sucked that it got rained out, but still, it was a good race (except that JR. had to wreck the damned field and take out two of my Fantasy Nascar Drivers out of the race... Why you gotta let me down like that Dawg??)

It's been a while, but finally... my excessive drinking on the Sabbath can be justified.

2) Half Past Beer 30!!!!

The drunken boobs (Steve O. and Myself) are firing up the old Ibook, and beginning the Podcast anew, with our new buddy Karaoke Steve (Nickname not yet certain) joining our drunken banter-fest!

Check out old episodes on Itunes... just search for "Half Past Beer 30"...

You know... that Podcast is te reason I started this blog all those years ago... No... seriously... check my old posts from 2005... I ain't kidding...

.... Now, I have my 24.... my Red Wings... my NASCAR... and soon... our Podcast....

.......... Maybe life doesn't suck absolute ass. :-)

( "Absolute Ass" is in no way affiliated with "Absolut Vodka"... Dammit!! )

- Kenny G.

The Day when Love, like Smog, fills the air...

Ah, Valentines Day...

A time for Love.... and Romance...

A time to tell that "Special Someone"... just how you truly feel...

A time, to love... and to be loved...


I guess... It's best summed up in this little poem I got in an email many, many years ago...

"Fuck Valentines Day"

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...

What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer

It is definatley the most annoying day of the year

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass

Before i shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak

And wear all black for the rest of the week

People act all sweet, but it soon will fade

For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit

Because I think love is a crock of shit

So heres my story...what else can I say?

Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So.. Who's got some shot recipes for me to try Friday night??? If it gets me to pass out by 11:59 PM Friday, and not wake back up till 12:00 AM Sunday morning... I'll send you a cookie. :-)

- Kenny G.

100th Post: "The Tarnished Knight: Requiem"

Wow... I've made 100 posts on this blog... Mind you, the first 7 were way back in 2005, but that's beside the point....

To celebrate, I'll add one more chapter to what I have rapidly come to see as my best writing ever...

The sickening crack of maimed bone pierced His ears. His arm lay at His side, broken, dangling like a piece of shredded flesh from the wolf's latest meal.

His leg seared with pain from the tears in His muscles. Slowly, Weakly, He brought himself to stand. To some, this day would be seen as a victory... To others, the cost would be too high to bear.

He had not slain the demons within Himself... He had simply chased them away for a time. For all His struggles against that which left Him weak and tragic, He had only won a few moments of peace.

They would return.... They would always return...

But for a moment... He had peace...

He could once again look to the Heavens, and feel the slightest glimmer of hope. He may never again be the Knight He had once strived to be... But He was alive...

When the night arrived, He would once again be tormented by His failings, His faults. He would once again know all too well how alone He felt...

But for a moment... He had peace...

Could the day come when the demons would never again test His will? Would He ever find what He truly longed for... truly needed? These were the questions He would always ask...

For now... He didn't care... His Spirit, His Body, were just too drained... And He needed to rest, before He could muster any more strength...

He slowly trudged back to There... To the place where He found both rest, and solitude... A place both Wicked and Lovely... The only place He could call Home...

But for a moment... He had peace...

..... If for only a moment...

- A Piece by Kenny G.

My Trilogy... Plus 2...

It's been a while since I wrote anything I was truly proud of....

I'm proud now.... So I want all three (Edit: Now four) (2nd Edit: Now Five) (3rd Edit: Now Six.... The Story continues...) links in one handy place....

The Tarnished Knight

The Tarnished Knight - Revelations

The Tarnished Knight - Respite

The Tarnished Knight - Requiem

The Tarnished Knight - Reformations

The Tarnished Knight - Redemption

Let me know what you think.

- Kenny G.

The Tarnished Night: Respite

The Dawn broke with an ominous fury that morning...

The Knight sluggishly raised His head, and peered into the rising Sun with disdain, and slowly... painfully, lifted Himself from the ground. Sleep had done little to renew Him, and His dreams still lingered in His mind, sinking their talons into His spirit...

In those demon dreams, He saw what His waking mind had refused to acknowledge: His greatest enemy was not on some battlefield that lay in front of Him... But inside His own chest. For all the demons He had slain, every foe vanquished... He had never conquered His wretched heart...

For years, The Knight had drawn steel at every challenge He encountered... He had been the victor many times, been bested many others, yet... He never let his Honor, and Valiance waiver... He tried to take the Glory of His victories to heart, to fill him with a purpose, with meaning... Yet, no matter how great the battle had been... It had never been enough.

Each day, The Knight felt a piece of His soul die, as He tortured His soul with hatred an loathing... blaming some ill-gotten fate for his miserable solitude, his longing for that which he had never known...

... Love...

He could still hear Her faint voice, carried on the wind... Declaring His hidden inner strength... His true worth...

His time with The Angel had given Him many reasons to believe Himself to be worthy... But, without Her there... Whispering that might into existance... He was broken...

He finally saw, for the first time in His life... The truth...

There was no fault from The Heavens... He had not been cursed to be this wretched shell....

It was not The Angel who was to blame for his weakness... She did not abandon Him...

..... It was The Knight who bore the blame for his condition...

........... It was He... Who had truly tarnished His soul....

Through the valley below Him... He heard a sound He had heard many times before... The sound of Battle...

Gripping His sword tightly... The Knight turned to leave... Heading towards what conflict lay below... Then stopped...

He knew... There was only one right thing to do...

..... He sank His sword into the earth below Him...

......... Turned His back to the sound...

............. And walked away...

If He could not slay the dark demon within His own heart... How could He ever dare draw steel against another foe...

How could He ever claim one ounce of Honor, if all that resided within Him was Shadow and Despair...

Though He was unsure if He could ever muster the will to free Himself from this sick state.... He knew He must try...

.... If He would ever again... Earn the right... to call Himself...

.......... A Knight

- A Piece by Kenny G.

The Tarnished Knight - Revelations

Though the sunrises He had seen, since The Angel had left His side, had been but a numbered few, The Knight's hollow soul had taken Him through what felt like an eternity of sorrow.

Each struggle He had come to know since, had taken more than flesh and steel to overcome. His muscles ached now in ways they never had before. Each blow to His armor tore away more and more, leaving His beleaguered self more exposed each day.

The Knight had always questioned the worth of battle, and often felt that His role in the world was one without value, without honor. But, standing now, a gaping maw in His chest where His heart once belonged, His doubts and fears raged against Him, stronger and more insurmountable than He ever believed they could become.

He once again had found a suitable steed to carry Him onward, but the weight of His battered patchwork armor, shoddy leather sitting where sterling metal once existed, burdened Him terribly.

Yet, He claimed himself to be a Knight, and that meager oath held enough power to pull Him forward each day, to stand as a warrior against the evils of this land....

As His mount came to rest one day, for a few hours rest before the next test of his might arose, The Knight's eyes glanced across the field around Him, and the image before Him brought Him to His knees...

Around His feet, lay the aftermath of a fierce and epic conflict. The broken bodies of many demons, many enemies, were strewn across the scene, the work of a truly mighty Champion. The Knight's thoughts raced back to the days, when His own might, His own will, would have readily faced a challenge of this scope, and would have been all He needed to win the day...

But... That was His past. He was broken now, emptied and crippled by His sorrows, His weakness, and His longing. His days as a warrior of this calibre were long buried. He was now, but a lone vagabond, drawing His steel against far less powerful foes, far lest ghastly monsters.

It was then, that He saw it... Felt it carried on the breeze... That feeling, That aura.... That Grace...

She had been here... The Angel He once had dared to call His own... He would never forget that presence... The presence that had once stood by His side, lending Him strength without limits... She was ingrained into His soul...

And with this revelation, The Knight wept...

... For He knew, She had found another, one truly worthy of Her... A Champion strong enough to face each day with courage and honor... Not fear and despair, as were The Knight's only ways...

...... And through those tears, The Knight prayed... Praying to the Heavens he had long ago turned away from... He prayed, for Her... And for this new Champion...

.........He prayed that She would fill The Champion with the same faith, and strength, She had given to The Knight... And that The Champion would do what The Knight never could... Heal Her scars...

........... And with a simple Amen... The Knight lifted his flask to his lips... Let the harsh taste of warm ale wash over his tongue... Laid his head to the ground... And drifted away...

.............. For though, He now wished only to slip away, fading to the shadows forever...

................... He had sworn an oath the always be.... Her Knight.

- A Piece by Kenny G.

Out, Out Damned Heart... Out I Say...

What can I say, my heart makes me a pathetic...

I let the fact that I actually "Feel" things be as immobilizing as being a quadruple amputee...

For some odd reason, the more I feel things are spiraling out of control, the less I do to try and take the reigns of my own destiny. I let the fear, sadness, and hopelessness that arises control, and ultimately, completely neutralize any inner strength, talent, intelligence, and passion that resides in me.

I had a very simple plan to take myself over to see Steve this weekend, knock out a bit of truck maintenance, and hopefully shoot a short little video for Funny Or Die. I should have gone out and did a little grocery shopping, get gas, and other such necessary errands... I had some paperwork to do for work...

... And not one God-Forsaken thing got done....

In the end... I guess the only thing I'm really motivated to do... is feel miserable....

Yes Ladies, this "Winner" is still single... ;-)

Needless to say... There's a few songs I really should not listen to... ever again... Because I've invested so much emotion behind them... they will never be songs that fill me with joy again...

- "Broken" by Seether W/ Amy Lee

- "Angel Eyes" by Jeff Healy

- "You And Me" by Lifehouse

...... But you all know me.... they won't leave my playlist....

............. And you wonder why I drink...

- Kenny G.

The Day We Never Thought We'd Live To See....

Well my friends... The Day has finally come.

Through all the struggles... the let downs... all the hardships, justice and goodness have prevailed, and a new future awaits us.

I know, for many of us, myself included, there came those times when we wondered if we'd ever see this day... let alone in our lifetime... Hope and Faith were challenged to the point of nearly being destroyed... But in the end, they survived.

We now sit on the verge of a new beginning, and the future looks bright......

............. THE TRUCK HAS REVERSE!!!!!

Oh... and Good Luck President Obama.... you're gonna need it.

- Kenny G.

Spike TV, Philosophy, and a little Twang

So, last night, I was watching Spike TV, and a little show they have call "Manswers" came on...

It's a show that handles many of Man's Toughest Questions, IE: How durable are breast implants, does any species of animal engage in prostitution other than Humans... so on any so forth...

(Durable enough to withstand a microwave, and a 350LB man belly flopping on them, but not a bullet.... and Yes, chimpanzees... if you were curious....)

As a long time student of Philosophy, I love that show. (I took a 1 semester directed study in High school, and had to write 4, yes... 4... 500+ word papers in one night.... got a A on all of them... Yes... I used to write good an' stuff.)

Anyways... One of the topics Manswers answered last night was "What kind of music is most likely to make you want to kill yourself?".... They offered solutions of "Heavy Metal"... "Rap"... "Bagpipes".... But it turns out it's none of them....

It's Country!

Now, as a long time fan of Country Music (Garth Brooks is playing as I type this...), I started to take offense... even when they showed stats that the major metro areas with the most Country stations do, indeed, have the highest suicide rates...

I've always believed that Stonesour's "Bother" was the most "self-lynching inducing" song in the world... but, it's just my opinion...

After the segment, they went to commercial... and I flipped channels... The next channel on my dial is GAC... the Country music video channel... And the video that was playing was about NASCAR. (And as I have previously stated, the Daytona 500 is the third holiest day in my religion...) So, I started watching it.

...... And the song seemed unfamiliar to me.

..................... As did the artist singing it.

................................... And when I saw who it was.... I cringed... and wept.

........................................................... Kevin Costner is now a Country singer..........

And suddenly.... I knew Manswers was right..... as I now felt.... while watching what was being passed off as Country music.... A strong urge to grab the bat by my chair.... and beat myself until the pain stopped.....

It's official.... Kevin Costner wants me dead.... How else can you explain anyone letting that talentless Hack put out an album... No, not just one song.... an entire God-Forsaken album.....

I feel so cold now.....

- Kenny G.

Did you miss me... It's Kenny G. ... No, The OTHER Kenny G. ....

So... For a long while... I've been neglecting my most prized creation... this blog.

For something I spent so many hours formatting, designing side-bar items for, coming up with original content, it's sad that this blog has recently become nothing more than an easily accessible music player for me...

Has it been because I've spent too much time begging for Kudos on Funny or Die? Has it been the painful trek I've been on since the truck went to hell? Have I just run out of new ways to bitch about the same problems that continue to plague my life??

Who knows, who cares...

Point is, this was/is my first blog, and it deserves the place of honor of being my first place to post, and I've not been living up to that duty.

This is usually the place where I make some pledge to change my ways, and post a bunch more content to this blog... but let's get real...

My life is not that entertaining... I'm not that talented... and I'm too damned lazy to cut and paste crap I find interesting here on any sort of regular basis...

If I had readers bugging me by way of email when I don't post often enough... I might have the needed fire lit under my arse... but hey... Nobody reads this stuff anyways... right? :-)

Anyways... while I do have the needed motivation to post, let me throw some stuff (read: crap) on here:

1. If Odin shines his blessed mercy upon my pathetic soul, I will be -Re-Trucked by tonight, tomorrow morning at the latest... And with a little extra Grace, I'll remain Trucked for a while... When I do get it back, I'll not only post... I'll likely make a celebratory video to illicit a happy chuckle from all my contemporaries...

2. I'm throwing myself into a competition on a wing and a prayer... at islandreefjob.com ...
Check it out for yourself... I just really have myself convinced that, with my painfully single lifestyle, penchant for writing, and prior experience with being in the Great Barrier Reef, I'm at least a decent candidate for the job... once I get my video application made and in, I'll post links here... hoping to get my friends and family to vote me popular enough to get into the "short list" of candidates...

3. We all have a duty to do... please... thing of those less able than us:

Please... somebody think of the cockroaches!!!

- Kenny G.