And now, I feel dirty, broken, and ashamed... After I laughed my ass off....

Alright, fine. You win, Internet. I surrender....

I broke down and finally watched the "Paris Hilton Presidential Ad" on Funny Or Die....

(For my fellow hold-outs, it's here: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d . There's no use fighting it, you'll end up seeing it some day. Save your strength, and give in. )

Now, I could spend this post questioning the taste of so many who have commented on "how hot Paris is"... after I spend the required hours lurching up my lunch. Or, I could rant on, as so many have before me, about how "she's only famous for being famous", but the horse has been beaten into paste on that one. There's no point....

No, I'll just comment on this one observation: How the hell did she read that teleprompter so damn well????

Look, I saw "House of Wax" (because I love cheesy horror, OK!!! Deal with it!), and, I know first hand that this woman cannot act. Period. She couldn't even play dead convincingly... Nuff said...

But, in this small piece of political satire, she read the dialog so well, I almost forgot how vacant her head is. I was stunned at how informed and eloquent she sounded, and that's a shame I can't shower off...

Not to mention the fact that the "proposed plan" is brilliant in it's own right.... even coming out of Paris Hilton's mouth!!!!

Point is, I truly enjoyed this piece... even though I wish I hadn't.

........ See you in therapy bitches!!!

- Kenny G.

Death to the futon!!! Long live recliner-age!!!

That stinking, nasty, cat-piss covered, broken frame that tried to pass itself off as a futon is no more!!!! It was put to death today, in typical beer-fueled fashion: A hammer, a lot of twisting, and someone else's dumpster.

Now, I can behold true glory.... a recliner. Steve O. (Or more like, his wifey) decided that one of their recliners had to go bye bye, and I got to say "Hi Hi" to utter sitting bliss.

Doesn't this look like man-nerd-drunk heaven??

- Kenny G.

Why "The Longshots" pisses me off... and it's not even out yet!!....

(Spoilers Included. Just a warning)

Yes, I do mean that "Disney-esque" flick starring Ice-Cube. The one where he turns his nerdy niece into a star little-league football quarterback.

Before it even hit's the "Silver Screen", I promise I can spoil the plot for you. (The Inter-web already said, screw it, read it yourself.) Here's my guess: He's washed up, helps his niece learn football, she's great, the team sucks, the star kid-jock resents her, the brooding loner kid wants to stay, well, brooding and alone, and the "nerd no one wants around" is awkward and shy. The team gets better, Ice-Cube gets an ego and alienates his niece, team sucks again. He sees the error of his ways, makes amends, the team gets good again, make the championships, and then they win. Or, they lose. Doesn't matter. They all end up happy, and friends, at the end.

If you see it, and I'm wrong, let me know. I'd love to hear I'm wrong on this one.

But I'm not going to be. I may not have it line by line, but I'm damn close. Guaranteed. It's the same drivel we've been getting for decades. No matter how unlikely, or how absurd, the "Hero" always wins in the end. Even when they lose. It's the "lessons learned" that matter.

Horse Shit!!!!

This is not real life!!! You know folks, sometimes, the bad guys win. And the good guy dies. And that's fucking it! No "Justice finds a way" crap. It's over.

Back in good old ancient Greece, Oedipus ended up killing his dad, fucking his mom, she killed herself, he gouged his eyes out... THE END. No happy ending kids. That's it.

Give me a "Silence Of The Lambs" where Hannibal Lecter doesn't help Clarice catch the killer, but instead, breaks out, kills a shit-load of people, and walks off into the sunset. Give me a zombie flick where all the main characters die, and the zombies rule everything. Give me any generic action flick where the terrorists actually blow up their target, and the FBI fails. End of movie.

In other words, show me a movie where good loses for once, and evil wins the day......

.... And not like "Empire Strikes Back".. where you know good will win in the sequel...

I'm not saying "The Good Guy's win" is always bad cinema. I'm just saying that, to make a great film, be real: Sometimes, evil just wins. Period.

There's a reason that, even in a great film like "The Departed", where the "Good Guys" die, so do all the "Bad Guys".... so it all works out in the end.

If good old Matt Damon had lived, stayed a cop, and retired 25 years later, with full pension, I'd have loved the movie even more. It would have felt real, and honest.

But, we Americans, we need our "Happy Ending". The bad guys have to pay, or we feel slighted.

Sad, but oh so true.

Thank god there's Greek tragedies for us literate folk... :-) ......

Just kidding... but, come the hell on folks.... we need more Lecter, less Superman... Just saying....

- Kenny G.

Glorious Michigan: Shaped like a mitten, but it's really just an armpit.

Day by day, I'm convinced this state is literally imploding in on itself. Incompetence in every level of government, rampant corruption, and all of this wrapped in an economic free fall. Just check out a few of the multitude of "wonderful" news items from my god-forsaken-shit-sack of a state:

Sheriff 'Baffled' By Detroit Mayor's Actions:

Detroit Cop Files Whistleblower Suit:

Detroit plans layoffs after tunnel sale stalls:

Are you fucking kidding me? The largest city in the whole damned state is basically being run be a pimp. Yes, I called Kwame "Kwam Daddy" Kilpatrick a pimp. He is no damn leader. Text message scandal, assault charges pending, a dead stripper... how much more do these morons need to see before they put his ass to the curb???

"But Ken, he helped clean up downtown...".... No jackass, he didn't. That was Roger Penske, a "Rich-white man" business owner who, after the success of his clean-up of downtown for the Super Bowl a few years back, wanted to permanently do the job. Kwame and the City-Council-Clowns denied his request. Smart move, fuck-tards.

"Oh yeah, Kwame got us the Super Bowl, and the MLB All-Star Game..."... no, ass-hat, that was mostly former mayor Dennis Archer.... As are many of the things Kwame tries to claim.

On top of this, whilst the entire state rots in economic despair, here is all good old "Canadian Jenny", (IE: Governor Jennifer Granholm) is worried about:
1) not looking too attached to her "little butt-buddy" Kwame's misdeeds,
2) fucking over smokers and bars alike. (Go ahead, look up her proposed smoking ban.... It'll finish off the ailing bar industry, which is still hurting from tax increases and other initiatives intent to damn near make Michigan a dry state.)

.............But, at least we're not Ohio residents....

Ohioan bills Michigan $16 for work zone delay

- Kenny G

What's my final answer???

How bad was my weekend? It was actually this bad.....

(Yes, this IS a brewery....)



And there shall be weeping, and gnashing of teeth....

..............(OK, it wasn't that bad.... but this seemed to be the best followup to two posts ago... call me crazy..)

- Kenny G.

Loves the music... hate's the player...

Steve O. hates my music player..... the music is great... but the auto play pisses him the fuck off....

You see... "he reads several blogs"... of which mine is only one...

And.. he opens them all at once... in many tabs....

I know... lazy bitch...

He forgets... he's one of my only two readers....

My blog does not belong in a roll.....

Not even of toilet paper....

That's been used....

PUT MY DAMN BLOG ON A SEPERATE LIST... AND ROCK OUT WITH YOUR THUMB DRIVE OUT!!!!!!

....... even when I cater to a small audience.... I still can't please.....

And I quit crack for this???? :-)

- Kenny G.

Another weekend.... another phenomenal disappointment...

The only question:

Will the disappointment be this big.........

... this big.......

..... or this big......

I know, I know... makes me wanna cry too.....

- Kenny G.

Lemme walk you through a normal day around here.....

Day by day, this is what Steve O. and I have to deal with....

....... Yet, we never get to meet one of these.....

...... and we still can't find this place.....




Feeling our pain yet???

- Kenny G.

Random mashup of the inner voices.... If only I could get one of those "Take a Ticket" machines....

How the bloody hell could my boss not want me to stay on full time, when he's seen all the things that actually GOT FUCKING DONE with me around??? Is he clinically insane???

WTF is up with Big Brother 10??? How can there not be one truly likeable person in the whole group??? I mean, other than Jerry, but he's really old, and you know there's no chance he's gonna win.

Did the Detroit Tigers decide before the season even began to make it the absolute antithesis of their hockey contemporaries? With that big of a fucking team salary, that many talented players, and the hopes of so many fans riding on them, when does this season's abysmal performance end up just being an insult to the already broken city of Detroit?

While we're at it, why the fuck is "Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick" not ousted yet?? Especially after this shit: http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/16981263/detail.html?rss=det&psp=news

Is there any hope left here on Earth? War, scandal, infected produce, global warming.....

And-

..... is it any wonder I often shit my pants??

-Kenny G.

The first 48 hours........ at home...

So, another weekend comes, another weekend is spent as a shut in....

Got home around 8pm friday night, and now, sunday, 11pm, i'm still here.....

No bar.... no seeing friends.... no nothing....

.... and some people prefer this??? WTF?!?!?!

- Kenny G.