Thursday, July 24, 2008

No No No!!!!

Dictionary.com, you've failed me.....

Word of the Day Archive -Thursday July 24, 2008

melange \may-LAHNZH\, noun:A mixture; a medley.

"The smell in the car . . . was a pungent, sour melange of garlic, unwashed bodies, vodka, musty woolen overcoats, and Bulgarian tobacco.-- Fen Montaigne, Reeling in Russia"

Incorrect Dictionary.com.....

"Melange is the name of the fictional drug (also known as [the] spice) central to the Dune series of science fiction novels by Frank Herbert, and derivative works.- Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melange)"

Fact checking people!!!!

- Kenny G.

Why didn't I get that memo...???

There's a 7 AM now??? WTF??? Why was I not consulted on this???

I know, a lot of people are up that time of day... but I normally get to sleep till 8, 8:15, roll out of bed, and barely make it to work on time...

I DO NOT ever set my alarm for 5:15, to be at a BNI meeting at 7. I am not a morning person.... That is not "my bag"......

Nor is giving an impromptu presentation to a bunch of strangers my particular cup-o-tea.....

I had to do both today....

I know, whine whine whine.....

Where's my cheese??

- Kenny G.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Then again......

I got this email a while back.... kept it, read it again today..... puts things in perspective...

Subject: Fw: Motivational Thought for the Day

This little animal is called the Naked Mole-Rat and is from Africa.


So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember:


You could look like a dick with buck teeth.

- Kenny G.

Me and my big mouth....... I really hate the taste of shoe leather...

Damn it.

I wrote the last post........ and now...... we get to handle these extra customers for an extra week...... FUCK JET LAG!!!

Damn it.

Just when I think I've hit the peak of my frustration, a whole new level becomes available, and my sanity is tested evn more. Good thing I don't have much of it left, or the damage might be significant....

Damn it.

I now understand why so many people drink at work when the boss isn't looking...... I need one of those beer-can helmets..... and maybe a giant foam middle finger......

.............

......Damn it.

- Ken

Monday, July 21, 2008

Y'know, maybe the Amish life isn't so bad....

I can't fucking wait to get rid of our affiliate's work phone...... The damned vacation is OVER!!!!

I swear, this does not help my OCD/ADD

Now, I get to send my only technician downtown for a bullshit service call.... and that's not even our affiliate's territory!!!!!!

And, of course, I'm getting shit for having to schedule my tech to go out there. Which flavor of shit is pretty trivial. I either get him pissed at me for scheduling it, I get the customer pissed for trying to delay it, or I get my boss/our affiliate pissed if I blow it off. Any way you slice it, I get shit.

And it's not that none of these people don't have valid reasons to be irritated. It's just that I get the ass-burning for it, and the shit isn't even remotely my fault. If we had some sort of regulatory system to make this all a bit more streamline, it wouldn't be an issue..... No, wait,...... I AM THE FUCKING REGULATORY SYSTEM!!!!! (Damn, at $9/hour, what a fucking steal..)

It's days like this, with all the other God-forsaken bullshit in my life, that makes me want to just fucking run away. Skip town, head to Amish country, and say "Fuck You, Bullshit!!! I'd rather try to rock the black suit and funky beard!!!!"

But, I can't. I have too much that I am accountable for. I can't run away. I'm just stuck in the mire, and I'm down-wind of a herd of rhinos in all directions.

Maybe, I just need a hobby. Something to distract me fro... Look! A cloud!!!!

- Kenny G.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Applesauce!!!! In moment form.

I was thinking the other day, back to some of the things my ever-changing group of friends have taught me. And there, under a few inches of dust, sat one of the most true, but under-noticed concepts I have ever known: The Applesauce Moment.

What is the "Applesauce Moment" you ask? Why, it's simple dear friend. Allow me to demonstrate.

(P.S.: This is just a random example I threw together. This particular situation never happened to me..... but it's a damned good example....)

Let's say you and a few friends are gathered around, discussing a wide array of topics. Suddenly, one of your friends begins ranting about policies that Alan Greenspan put in place during his tenure, and your mind begins to drift. It's not that you want to disrespect your friend, but, come on, Greenspan?? And thus, the rabbit trail in your mind begins:

"Geez, Alan Greenspan. How boring....."
"Heh heh, Greenspan. What kind of name is that. I've never seen a 'Green Span' in my life..."
"That reminds me, isn't that movie The Green Mile on tonight.. I liked that movie."
"What's that one actor's name... Michael Clarke Duncan.. yeah, him. He's a big guy."
"He was in Armageddon too, wasn't he?"
"I kinda liked Deep Impact better, but Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck got the bigger box office draw. So very sad....."
"Affleck. Heh, not a big fan. And he's got a funny name too..."
"Affleck... AFLAC!.... that duck is hilarious."
"I love that one commercial where the duck was driving NASCAR, and all the feathers were pouring out of the car... funny stuff."
"Why do they call feathers 'down' anyways? Who came up with that idea."
"I like down pillows a lot.... and down comforters..."
"Damn cat peed on my comforter last night! That smell never comes out..Grrr..."

And here, in the middle of the conversation going on around you, from your mouth pops "I need to go buy a new damned comforter!"

Your friends, unaware of your current train of thought, look at you with questioning eyes, and ask: "What the hell does your comforter have to do with Alan Greenspan?"

For a moment, your wonder how they couldn't know. Then you realize that you took that winding mental journey alone. In an attempt to not look clinically insane, you try desperately to walk them through... Green Mile, AFLAC.... all the way through the chain that made perfect sense to you....

.... and then you get the look. That look of "OK.... I guess it did follow some train of thought... but seriously... WTF????"

Hence, the Applesauce Moment. (It was thus named because the original explanation I was given began with discussion about a recent vacation between my friend Chris B. and some of his other friends, and ended with one of the girls blurting out "I like applesauce!" Her train of thought was no less twisted, but it made sense. Since then, the name has stuck.)

We all have had our own version of the Applesauce Moment, or at the very least, been present for one. That song on the radio that reminds you to buy cat food, the news story on global warming that reminds you of your third grade gym teacher, you know, the one with the huge mole.

It happens all the time, and when one hits us, we can't help but laugh out loud at the crazy, twisted, but completely logical road that connected these two unrelated items. We sit in awe of how complex our minds can get, especially over the simplest of events.

And for a moment, the world seems fun again.....

.....Damn, I really want an Egg McMuffin......

- Kenny G.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Moral of the story... the Geek shall inherit the Earth (or, "don't piss off the computer guy")

It's a miracle, 2 posts in one day....

But this gem was too good to pass up...

http://tech.yahoo.com/news/pcworld/148427

Talk about Giga-balls.....

- Kenny G.

For posterior's sake....

I really love dictionary.com's word of the day, especially today.

Word of the Day Archive
Thursday July 17, 2008

anodyne \AN-uh-dyn\, adjective:
1. Serving to relieve pain; soothing.
2. Not likely to offend; bland; innocuous.

noun:
1. A medicine that relieves pain.
2. Anything that calms, comforts, or soothes disturbed feelings.

{Numbness . . . may have replaced pain as the complaint of our century now that aspirin analgesia, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory agents (NSAIDS), and other anodynes can take away the pains of the civilized world.-- Howard M. Spiro, Facing Death}

In other words....... Beer.

- Kenny G.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Screw the discontinued "Bud Light Abilities".... Bud Light Lime works better.....

Bud Light Lime..... now with "makes you think a little less about your vehicular problems".

No... I'm not kidding... that fuckity-fuckin shit-fucker of a truck broke... again.....

Transmission problems, brake problems, turn signal problems, suspension problems, and a fucking cracked windshield.... with the newest addition of the "no longer works after-market alarm" deciding to re-engage the fucking killswitch and flashers (thank Odin the damned siren's been disconnected for 8 years..)

Seriously... you try doing all of your daily driving with no fucking reverse!!!! AND MAKING IT WORK!!!!

That's right..... I know how to rig my way through damned near anything.....

Shit... thinking about the truck again..... Beer must be wearing off....

Waitress! Bring another round......

Shit.... I AM the waitress.... gotta go.....

- Kenny G.

Monday, July 14, 2008

"What dreams mean"... or..... "Why I shouldn't eat spicy stir-fry right before bed"...

Ok, I need to ask: Am I the only freak that has this problem?

(I know Steve O. already said "Yes" very loudly at the monitor.... Shut up Steve.)

It seems, every single dream I have, weird shit goes on all around me. Almost none of it makes sense, and I know, in the dream, that it doesn't make sense, but it still seems normal to me in the dream.

First: Often in my dreams, there are plenty of cameos. Friends, family, assholes I know from the bar, anyone is fair game to make an appearance in one of my dreams. That's not the problem. The problem, it's that these people I know, know well, know exactly how they look/act/sound, look/act/sound completely different in my dream. They have a completely new face, hair/eye color, they get taller or shorter. End result, they look nothing like what they look like in the waking world. Yet, somehow in my dream, I know this strange figure as a real person I know very well.

(I know. I AM a freak.... Don't worry, the rabbit hole gets deeper.)

Second: The same thing happens with places I know very well; my old High School, my Step-dad's bar, so on and so forth. I mean, I've hung out at that bar for 8 years. I've bar tended there, managed the place, and hung out more than should be humanly possible. I know every last inch of that place, including the damned roof. Yet, in dreams, it's all misshapen. The bar is many feet longer, furniture that has never been there is in the dream, rooms that don't exist stretch on for yards. Yet, in my dream, it's the bar to me, and it doesn't feel strange.

(This wouldn't bug me if it had only happened once or twice. But this acid trip is a constant thing.)

Third: This one scares the ever-loving shit out of me, because it must be some sort of deep-rooted psychosis or something. I often have dreams that I'm in some sort of fire-fight. I'm the good guy, the bad guys are chasing me, and, as I'm holding position in some little nook, loading my gun, I'm getting ready for my last stand. The gun's loaded (I know it is, I just checked.), I run out, the shooting begins, and the gun doesn't fire. Even at point blank, I pull the trigger, it goes bang, but nothing comes out. I end up getting shot, dying, and moving on to the next dream. WTF!!!! I'm the GOOD GUY!!! I'm supposed to WIN!!!!!

Ok.... I think that's deep enough into the labyrinth for now.... I'll discuss more at another time.... I really should be getting back to work now.....

....... wait....... what's this hallway over here???..... it wasn't there befo.... AHHH!!!!

I know... cheesy.... but I needed a closing wisecrack... and the coffee hasn't done it's job yet!!!

- Kenny G.