Is it scary that, while screaming at the walls, they scream back?

I guess, since I only have one reader that I know of (Mad Props to you, Steve O.!!), it really doesn't matter what I say here, but somehow, I still feel compelled to try my best to be witty, insightful, and funny.

WHY!?!?!

I guess, all things considered, I do it for my own sanity. No one cares if I spell every other word wrong except me, but I spell check the hell out of most everything I type. It doesn't matter if a sentence rambles on for 18 lines, with no point in sight, but I'll stress out for an hour and a half over what took me 10 minutes to type, worrying about how my words sound.

I know.... poster child for OCD....

So, just to prove to myself that I really needn't worry too much what I type, I'm starting a contest. I'll mail a $5 to the first person to email me an answer to the following question:

"If someone gave you a pet ferret for your birthday, what would you name it, and why?"

(Steve O., his wife, brother, parents (or step-parents), and mother-in-law are not eligible for this contest. Come on, be nice :-) ... )

My email address?? Of course!

sabre419@gmail.com

Let's see how long this takes to come to a close... ;-)

My guess is a least 2 years... maybe longer......

- Kenny G.

Censoring.... both in blogging... and in keeping your ass employed/keeping your ass from hurting your friends..... and staying off "Dubbya's" radar.

OK.... Top 5 reasons censoring sucks...

1. If you don't do it willingly... you can get fired.....

2. If you don't do it willingly... you can get "investigated" by the feds....

3. If you don't do it willingly... you can unwillingly hurt your friends... bad.....

4. If you don't do it willingly... you can unwillingly make yourself look like more of an uncaring ass than you really are........

5. It makes you say "FUCK" less than you really want to say it......

Ok... in some of what i've posted recently (Pre-edit)... i've left myself hanging out to dry... bitching about things as the links to those things sit on this blog.... NO MORE.....

I'll bitch/joke/post.... but without any "reasonable" evidence to condemn the innocent(guilty) in sight....

Wish I'd have done that in real life,...... a while ago.....

..... story for another time y'all......... but, "FUCK THE CENSORS..... YO!!!!!!!

(By "CENSORS.... I mean "those assigned to monitor civilian comments.... not my friends.... LOVE YOU St#&e (Random letter here, maybe an O). !!!!!!!!!! I'm Sorry DAWG!!!!! )

- Kenny G.

Running around like a chicken trying not to let the turkey F%&k him in the @$$...

Just sitting at the office, fielding 83 phone calls an hour.

See, we're in for a real treat for the next "several" weeks: One of our other "team members with a seperate office", he and his wife decided to go out of the country for six weeks....

Yeah.... FUCKING OUT OF THE COUNTRY!!!!!

And we get the "honor" of trying to, quite blindly I might add, handle all of their customers. As well as our own. And whatever else pops up... GAHHHARGH!!!!

Would've been nice to have some data about these customers before they left... but that would have made too much of this strange thing we call "Sense"....

Gotta go.... I've got a lull in the chaos, and I've been trying to take a leak since Thursday...

- Kenny G.

Peeling, Coughing, Pondering, all while screaming "Auntie Em! Auntie Em!!", and pissing your pants.

Please pardon my cynical rantings this time around... I'm sick.

Yes, it's official: I've got a cold.

I think it all started this past weekend. You see, my buddy Steve O. and I headed up north to help his Dad build a house for Grandma... from scratch...

Yes, me + power tools.... are they all fucking crazy?????

It was a long weekend, full of lumber, nails, and 196.34 degree temperatures.... I sweat more than a catholic priest watching "Kid Nation."

But, that's not the worst part. You see, I'm pasty... pasty white. So white, i'm luminescent. And it was sunny out.... So now, i'm burgundy (at least on my arms, face, and neck).... And, I'm peeling.

Peeling... me.... I don't peel, I'm supposed to burn, then tan.... not look like a reject from the leper colony!!!

But wait! There's more!! It also stormed rhino balls out where we were... big, nasty, "make your cat jump in your lap with it's claws out" type of storms.

I don't know if any of you have ever tried to hold an unsecured exterior wall of what may someday become a house in 70 MPH winds while some other guys try to secure it down with rusting nails and 2X4's, but it makes you realize the things you never want to do in life: parasailing, hang-gliding, you know, those types of botched suicide attempts....

Now, sitting at the office, reflecting on almost trading in my life to become "storm debris", Steve found a nice little story online: That little storm we were in, it produced a tornado just a few miles down the road from where we were getting soaked and hammered. I really DID almost die. Fun times Skippy!!!

Worst of all, I think, after being out in all that suprizingly frigid rain, and now-confimed tornado grade wind, I caught a fucking cold!!!!

Murphy, fuck you, and the laws you rode in on.

So now, I have little to do but reflect on all that transpired on this little trip. I got sunburned, sick, and nearly blown half way to bloody OZ, because I wanted to be a good friend and offer to help out with a big project. Nice.

Wait.... there was beer... free beer.... and a good night of short-track racing....


Think I'll go be going back this weekend. :-)

- Kenny G.

So this is Love ( In that "10-20 years in Sing Sing kinda way...)

So fine, I guess now, for the sake of telling this story, I must confess..... I am a guy!

Not that that is so shocking, but it comes with a few down sides:

A: I have been known to think with my dick from time to time..... Most of the time to time...... Ok, fine! All the Damned Time!!!

B: With A established, it's obvious to believe that I tend to make REALLY BAD JUDGEMENT CALLS now and again..

C: Continuing on this line.... I've been known to frequent the gentleman's clubs...

(I bet you can tell where this goes next.....)

Yes, I went to a titty bar one night, got suckered in by a stripper, and then (here's where it gets good..)...... wound up spending over $5000 dollars, and 5 months of my life trying to take care of her!!!!

Can I please have my helmet and drool bib now??!!

You see, she wasn't just a stripper...... She was a junkie (Wow! Shocker!), and a big-time one at that. No, not something simple like coke, or even crack. Nope, we're talkin' the big leagues here : "H"... (No, after all of this, I still can't type out or say the whole word. It sickens me.)

We're talking around a $120-$150 per day habit.... And I found out about it early on... real early...

You see, back in my less cynical days, I used to try to care about stuff, (You know, trees, cows, air... and people), and I somehow convinced myself that my caring, and compassion, (as well as what money I had at the time), could save her... (Are we still sure she was the drug addict??)

Well, 2 months in, this Jery Springer episode gone wrong got a lot worse.... I found out she was pregnant.... And It wasn't mine..... She was knocked up before I even met her... Lucky me....

So, thanks to my big(fucking retarded) heart, I offered to let her,... and her "brother", move in with me.

Does your head hurt yet :-) ??

Yep, now, there I was, supporting myself, a now unemployed pregnant junkie, and her unemployed"brother", on my lonely paycheck.... living the dope fiend life... And it damned near broke me in half...

You see, my naive, trusting, blindly/ignorantly optimistic ass was being dragged so far down, I even tried a few substances that I never thought i'd think about touching... And I almost lost myself in it...

The only thing that really saved me was also the worst part of the whole time... getting robbed.

... By her, and her "brother"... (If you haven't figured it out by now... turns out he's the baby-daddy, not her brother... Just another example of my blindness to the truth)

They took quite a few of my things, as well as items that my friends had left with me, such as an x-box, a PS2, and so on, and so forth....

After numerous fights, and 2 times of "attempted reconciliation", ( otherwise known as "extended fleecing of my wallet" ), I finally found my brain and balls, and sent her packing... after she'd bled me dry of money, self-respect, compassion, and respect from my friends and family...

Now, i've spent the last year or so trying to pick-up the pieces.... I still owe a lot to all the people who helped me "take care of her"... and to all the people who lost things to my stupidity...

I'm still trying to understand what let me remain so weak, and stupid, for all those months, bleeding cash and spirit for this wretched bitch...

I guess, when all is said and done, I did it for Love. Love that I wanted so bad, i'd take it from anywhere, even if it wasn't real at all...

A lesson we all need to learn, but hopefully, not the same way.

Till next time,

-Kenny G.

Me(no, there is no "n" here) at work.

Ok.... brief recap of the last 2 "and one half of a year" ... um.... years .... as far as "work" is concerned...

So.... last post... I was trying to get in to "dealer school"...... ( no, not that "dealer school".... i'd end up pissing away all my wages..... usually in around 10-18 hours...if 'Redi-Clean' is involved..)

No, I earned my way into the lucrative position of a "casino 'craps/blackjack'.." dealer.

Yeah...... I know... Hoorah for me......

Mind you.... in the 10... yes... 10... that's "T...........E ..............MUTHAFUKIN 'N'........ MONTHS(!!!&%$&^^) "...... that this alleged "school" took..... my( and Steve O.'s) beloved Podcast died.....a sad, painful, death............ DAMN YOU "SCHEDULES"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So... back on topic....... got the job........ learned that "it wasn't my thing".... and that it "sucked relatively large donkey ass"....... as well as the fact that "I'd rather learn to eat out my own asshole and join a freak-show (no, i'm not homosexual... if you wondered)..."

And then.... I LOST THE BEST JOB I'D KNOWN TILL THAT TIME IN MY LIFE!!!!!! (Feeling sorry for my massively exagerated "sad story" yet?... No?? How dare you?!?!?!)

Long story short..... this waste of my sad excuse for sanity took up most of our precious "lost time" (IE: 2 and 1/2 years)..... and now, thanks to Steve O., I have a far lower paying job that I like a good bit more..... for now.... (I LOVE YOU STEVE O.!!!! PLEASE DON'T GET ME FIRED!!!!!! I'LL SUCK YOUR....... um..... chimney..... with a shop-vac...??????......)

I know.... riveting....... "riveting", in the way that a rivet would feel if you were the steel girder, and had just been "riveted"...... in what ever you would consider your "steel girder ass"..... but, what more do you expect after I have had 15 beers.....:-)

OK.... next post..... the "REALLY FORKING (by that, I do mean "FUCKING"...) BAD SITUATION" I got myself into during this sad attempt at a career......

.............. but I can only type and proof-read (through one blurry eye) so much at a time........

Next time......

- Kenny G.

Blogging.... Take 2....... (who am I kidding...... take 91)

For the ump-teenth time, I'm gonna try this blogging stuff again.....

It's been many moons, so I should have a lot of "fun" stories to tell, for all 0.00 of you fans to read....

But, i'm bored... so i'm gonna do it anyways.....

1st up, Work re-cap of the past couple years......

.... coming up tonite...

........... after a bunch of beer.......

...............................oh joy.

- Kenny G.

Sorry it's been a while.....

But dag-nabbit..... this Podcasting stuff is time consuming, fun..... and really gets me drunk...... :)

www.smoandglo.com/beer30

The Half Past Beer 30 Podcast: Check it out now, before we get famous!!! :)

Now that we have that ball rolling.... I'll be posting here a lot more...

- peace

How in the name of KUDREE do we have subscribers????

Go to the Half Past Beer 30 Link..... check out our site.. and podcast... apparently others are doing it..... And I love you all...... but not in that catholic priest way.... .. In a GOOD way...... (j/k catholics..... I don't think all priests are gay... just the one i've met).....

We have liftoff!!!! (now approaching an altitude of 3 1/2 feet)

The website for Half Past Beer 30 is up... and rolling..... too bad the podcast is stuck in neutral with a busted clutch....

The new HPB30 website is http://www.smoandglo.com/beer30. Go forth and be amazed.... stupified... maybe even mystified.... But as always, friends don't let friends surf the net sober....

Peace, love and fond Jager memories....

Kenny G.