Spike TV, Philosophy, and a little Twang

So, last night, I was watching Spike TV, and a little show they have call "Manswers" came on...

It's a show that handles many of Man's Toughest Questions, IE: How durable are breast implants, does any species of animal engage in prostitution other than Humans... so on any so forth...

(Durable enough to withstand a microwave, and a 350LB man belly flopping on them, but not a bullet.... and Yes, chimpanzees... if you were curious....)

As a long time student of Philosophy, I love that show. (I took a 1 semester directed study in High school, and had to write 4, yes... 4... 500+ word papers in one night.... got a A on all of them... Yes... I used to write good an' stuff.)

Anyways... One of the topics Manswers answered last night was "What kind of music is most likely to make you want to kill yourself?".... They offered solutions of "Heavy Metal"... "Rap"... "Bagpipes".... But it turns out it's none of them....

It's Country!

Now, as a long time fan of Country Music (Garth Brooks is playing as I type this...), I started to take offense... even when they showed stats that the major metro areas with the most Country stations do, indeed, have the highest suicide rates...

I've always believed that Stonesour's "Bother" was the most "self-lynching inducing" song in the world... but, it's just my opinion...

After the segment, they went to commercial... and I flipped channels... The next channel on my dial is GAC... the Country music video channel... And the video that was playing was about NASCAR. (And as I have previously stated, the Daytona 500 is the third holiest day in my religion...) So, I started watching it.

...... And the song seemed unfamiliar to me.

..................... As did the artist singing it.

................................... And when I saw who it was.... I cringed... and wept.

........................................................... Kevin Costner is now a Country singer..........

And suddenly.... I knew Manswers was right..... as I now felt.... while watching what was being passed off as Country music.... A strong urge to grab the bat by my chair.... and beat myself until the pain stopped.....

It's official.... Kevin Costner wants me dead.... How else can you explain anyone letting that talentless Hack put out an album... No, not just one song.... an entire God-Forsaken album.....

I feel so cold now.....

- Kenny G.

Did you miss me... It's Kenny G. ... No, The OTHER Kenny G. ....

So... For a long while... I've been neglecting my most prized creation... this blog.

For something I spent so many hours formatting, designing side-bar items for, coming up with original content, it's sad that this blog has recently become nothing more than an easily accessible music player for me...

Has it been because I've spent too much time begging for Kudos on Funny or Die? Has it been the painful trek I've been on since the truck went to hell? Have I just run out of new ways to bitch about the same problems that continue to plague my life??

Who knows, who cares...

Point is, this was/is my first blog, and it deserves the place of honor of being my first place to post, and I've not been living up to that duty.

This is usually the place where I make some pledge to change my ways, and post a bunch more content to this blog... but let's get real...

My life is not that entertaining... I'm not that talented... and I'm too damned lazy to cut and paste crap I find interesting here on any sort of regular basis...

If I had readers bugging me by way of email when I don't post often enough... I might have the needed fire lit under my arse... but hey... Nobody reads this stuff anyways... right? :-)

Anyways... while I do have the needed motivation to post, let me throw some stuff (read: crap) on here:

1. If Odin shines his blessed mercy upon my pathetic soul, I will be -Re-Trucked by tonight, tomorrow morning at the latest... And with a little extra Grace, I'll remain Trucked for a while... When I do get it back, I'll not only post... I'll likely make a celebratory video to illicit a happy chuckle from all my contemporaries...

2. I'm throwing myself into a competition on a wing and a prayer... at islandreefjob.com ...
Check it out for yourself... I just really have myself convinced that, with my painfully single lifestyle, penchant for writing, and prior experience with being in the Great Barrier Reef, I'm at least a decent candidate for the job... once I get my video application made and in, I'll post links here... hoping to get my friends and family to vote me popular enough to get into the "short list" of candidates...

3. We all have a duty to do... please... thing of those less able than us:

Please... somebody think of the cockroaches!!!

- Kenny G.

Free Beer: Good Thing ----- From A Guy: Not So Much...

So, I got to spend the bigger part of my New Year's Eve playing "door man" at Bucks, collecting tickets/cover for the big party.

It was a pretty good deal: $10 a ticket ahead of time, which got you in, as we had a live band all night, food at midnight (and not chips/dip and cheap crap... good stuff like homemade mac and cheese, meatballs, kielbasa and purple cabage (good stuuf!!), stuffed manicotti.....).... awesome drink specials all night ($1 shots... full size good shots, cheap "knock you on your arse" long islands...)... as well as party favors out the wazoo....

Mind you, the door, it was $15.... penalty for not buying earlier ;-)

Nobody really gave me any grief about the cover.... except for one drunken ass we were actually trying to get rid of.... but hey, you expect it when you play door-monkey....

It was kind of lonely though, as I was around the corner... near the door... and everyone else was out on the dance floor, and getting drunk as hell. Most of my interaction with friends that were in the bar was by text, or a quick chat as they passed by to find the restroom....

But none the less, It was an interesting night.... I got a tip, in the form of a free beer!

..... From a guy.....

I'm pretty sure he wasn't hitting on me.... as I've seen him at the bar with a girlfriend many a time..... I think it was more out of pitty... as I explained to him that I was doing this out of the kindness of my little beer-filled heart, and not for pay or free drinks....

Maybe I need to stop over analyzing this incident... :-)

Needless to say, I got to un-man my post a little after Midnight... after the ball dropped... which i got to watch leaning over the half wall that separates the door from the bar area....

Hurray....

I did get to wear a little goofy ass plastic hat, and make noise with a 39 cent horn... I'll try to post pictures if Steve remembered to take any of me....

A nice kiss at midnight would have been nicer.... but hey, I really shouldn't complain.... it was still better than the New Years I spent at home... alone.... with a 12 pack and a pint.... :-)

In summary.... I was walking pretty straight when we left that night.... Not what I would normally have done on the second holiest day in my religion.... (The first being St. Patrick's Day.... the third being the Daytona 500....).....

Ok... time for you to share what you did on your night of New Yearage!!! Comment away!!! :-)

- Kenny G.

The Tarnished Knight

There was little about him that made one see a knight. His tarnished armor, his cracking, jagged blade, he seemed more a vagabond than a warrior. Though he yearned to hide them, his tacit scars spoke of the battles he faced, both in victory, and in defeat.

For longer than he willed himself to remember, struggles had found him, and forced his hand to draw steel. Demons, dragons and villains, all surging toward him, sapping his strength, marring his courage, and breaking his will. It was no wonder that this once noble sentinel had become but a soulless shell, wandering the lands, searching for hope, for peace.

Through his travels, he had found many allies. And though, for a while, The Knight was renewed by their presence... Fate, misfortune, the powers of Hell itself, would always take them away, often too soon, and too harshly. Even when those he'd met stood right at his side, The Knight was alone, in what remaining rubble he called his heart...

... Until that day.

For on that day, as The Knight steadied his hand, and lifted his broken blade to face the new day's struggles, he saw an Angel, one of The Divine's most perfect creations. A vision of beauty and grace unlike anything The Knight had ever seen. As he gazed upon The Angel, it was as if some unknown power invaded his spirit, and The Knight felt strength he had never known. And with this new strength, The Knight won the day, and vanquished the demons that had come against him.

As the echoes of the battle faded off into the distance, The Knight approached The Angel, and saw her wing. To his horror, he saw the wounds she bore, and wept. How could one of The Divine's most precious have ever been damaged so viciously? What spawn of Hell could ever be allowed to commit such a sacrilege?

Through painful tears, and boundless anger, The Knight vowed to do all in his power, be all that his weary soul could be, to heal The Angel. On that day, he made a vow to never forsake her, never leave her side, and to strive to be the saving grace she had become for him.

In the days that followed, The Knight walked with strength renewed, and a sense of purpose unlike that which he had known before. Demons that had once tested him to the furthest reaches of his might, now seemed to fall without effort. Every day, he felt one more piece of his humanity return, and his gratitude towards... and love of... The Angel, grew.

But mere mortals can never hope to become an Angel's savior. The Knight soon saw his frailty, his limitations, and deep within him, past his convictions, past his strengths, an aching formed, as The Knight realized how far away he was... from being Her champion.

Finally, the day came. The Knight, burning with anger at his own failings, raised his sword to face the day, a battle much more fierce than most he had faced before, and turned to gaze upon The Angel from whom his might flowed... and saw only air... and one small feather, falling to the ground.

The Angel had left him, flown away, back into the dreams and fantasies from which she came. Had it all been but a dream? Had The Divine looked down upon The Knight, and chosen to take away the greatest blessing he had ever known? Or had The Knight's own weaknesses driven The Angel away?

A moment of pain... a single tear...

Then The Knight lowered his visor, gripped the hilt of his blade tightly, and charged the line against the enemies before him. For, though The Angel had left his side, he had sworn an oath, to always be her Knight. And though his spirit ached terribly, he swore to stand by his oath...

Even if The Angel would never return to The Knight... Even if he would never again know that strength and grace Her presence blessed him with...

...With his tarnished armor, his cracking, jagged blade...

...He would always be Her Knight

- A Piece by Kenny G.

Making up for lost Brain Cells....

OK... So I haven't posted much of crap all months... sue me...

It's been kind of hard to accomplish anything, what with the fucking Laugh Riot of a Bullshit Cluster-Fuck this truck has become...

For those who don't know.... The truck went DOA over 3 weeks ago.... and It was recently towed to a shop for repairs.... Repairs I CAN'T AFFORD!!!!..... So, I had to go deeper into debt with my boss... oh hurray, hu-fucking-ray....

So... truck spends a good week at said shop.... which already knows, as I told them... the trans is crap... It's probably the reason the fucker won't start...

Nope... Fuel Pump assembly...

WTF???

Steve can attest to the fact that the pump was, indeed, coming on.... before it got towed away....

Nope... Fuel Pump Assembly...

OK... Fine... replace the fucking assembly... so the fucker starts and runs (not runs good... just fucking runs....)

Timeline of this week:

Monday: "Hey Ken!.... Truck's done..."
" Cool... I'll come get it tomorrow..."

Tuesday: "FUCKING SNOW!!! I'll have to come get it tomorrow...."

Wednesday:.... "What the fuck do you mean 'Lost my keys?'..... WTF!!!!"
"We'll get your keys back... and deliver the truck later today"

(You see... they "accidentally" gave my keys to some other customer... who shoved them in his pocket, and used his wife's keys to drive his truck home.... My head hurts now)

And... I got to have the "most pleasant and safest driver in the world" drive me home (bar) from the shop... while the work on getting my keys back.... I swear, this crabby ass woman was doing 85 down I96, in pouring rain.... when you couldn't even see the car in front of you.... which was less than 15 feet..... Now my head hurts, and I need new underwear....

Still Wednesday: .... 1 1/2 hours later.... "So.. where's my truck?"
" Just got your keys, we're on our way...."

Still FUCKING WEDNESDAY!!!...: 45 minutes later... "What do you mean it won't drive... you just said you drove it Monday and it was OK!??!!??"
"We'll just let it warm up... dry out... and we'll try it Friday... Sorry Ken...."

Thursday: Christmas.... Nothing... Slept damn near all day....

Friday: ............ ?????........ we're still waiting.....

Can I take this here life, and trade it for what's behind door #2??

Behind door #2 is a Pocket Fisherman???

A broken Pocket Fisherman???

Deal!

- Kenny G.

The Time Has Come... Can someone pass me a towel?

Hell has frozen over........ The Lions are winning the Super Bowl...... And I am quitting smoking...

Before you all get your laughs on... and Thor knows, being MY friends, you're already laughing... I'm serious.

Smoking has become nothing more than a "seat filler" in my life: A "warm body" to fill the gap in my soul... in me.... NO MORE I SAY!!!

I throw my lighter in the sad, and declare myself a Quitter!!!!

...... right after I bum one from... shit... no one's around!!!!

AHHH!!!!!

This.... may be a little tougher than first envisioned...

- Kenny G.

Stupidity: Now in an econo-sized 48-pack!

Is it a full frigging moon tonight??? Did an asylum just burn down??? Where did this huge stock of "Fucking Stupid" come from, and who the bloody hell ordered a dump-truck full to be delivered right to my desk?


If I catch 'em... rectal boot-prints galore shall ensue...


Between Vendors, Partners, and Clients, there has been such a cluster-fuck of mental ineptitude, today, I can't even get the whole picture in frame... It would have to be a panorama of perplexing pea-brainitude... and I don't have that kinda camera!!!


Suffice to say... I'll just sum it up with this...


I need less of this....






And more of this....





AAARRGGHHH!!!


- Kenny G.

I'm not a Fork!!!

So... I'm sitting here, trying to rebuild my play list from Hypster... Dreading the impending "Team Meeting" to come at 10:30... ish... And I'm wondering...

"How high was the creator of Spongebob when he did so?"

I mean, sure... It's a big hit with children... and everybody knows by now who "lives in a pineapple, under the sea..."... But, the whole freakish concept, is well... freakish!!

It's a talking sponge for Odin's sake!!! You had to be tripping some major league balls to come up with that... Not that it's so horribly different from a talking rabbit being chased by a hunter with a speech impediment... but it's freaky!!

I should make a cartoon about a banana that knows Kung-Fu, and lives in Minneapolis. His best friend can be a can of condensed chicken noodle soup that writes crossword puzzles... I'd be a millionaire!

OK... I guess, by now, you all wanna know why I'm on such a rant about this... And I'll tell you...

It's because I'm happy right now!!! OK...

I don't want to rant about my own life, because I feel good right now. Sure, there's plenty that's still all screwed up, but it's starting to feel like I'll make it through...

My huge mistake, the one that I thought cost me a dear and close friend... Maybe it wasn't so bad, as he and I have talked, and things seem to be, getting back to OK....

And then, of course... There's Her... She knows who she is... And how bright a ray of light she's become in my life... Perhaps, someday, when I'm not here at work, and I can truly describe her in all the beautiful detail that she deserves, I'll "introduce" you to her... but for now, my lips are sealed :-)

So, that's it... No bitching about money, work, or people... No crying for what I don't have... Just me, here alive, and for once... well.

And this...



- Kenny G.

A new era of thought.

It's official... I can't run and hide any more. My mistakes are mine, and I have to live with them. There's no one else that can fix me; It's shit of get off the pot.

I'm human. I'm going to make mistakes. There's no stopping that. I can do as much as possible to prevent some of them, but they will happen, and I must live with the consequences.

If I spend more than I can afford to, dig myself into a whole, finding myself broke, on the verge of bankruptcy, then that is my cross to bear. I can't pray for a reprieve my my creditors, nor another loan to just "get by". Nor can I sit idle, waiting for a miracle from above to save my scrawny ass. Fix it myself, or quit bitching. Those are my only choices.

If I hurt those I care about the most, then the backlash from my actions is my punishment. If I had thought long enough before I took action, there would have been no pain. If I had done everything I could to show those I love what they truly mean to me, then there would be no question that my actions were never meant to be malicious, and were just a stupid mistake. But when my actions cost me that which I hold so dear, then there is no one to blame but me, and I must accept the blame, grow, and walk on. Hiding in the shadows, hoping for magic pixies to fix it for me, will only leave me weak and empty.

I can't hide any more. I can't sit on my ass and pray for a better wave to ride in life. I'm slowly killing myself with apathy, and there's no time for that in a good life.

Time to pick my ass up, and do my best. Always. There's no excuse for anything less.





Time to get busy walking, or get busy dying.

- Kenny G

My Final Post.

There's something deeply and fundamentally fucked up with me.

I think I'm making a joke, I end up hurting the people I care about.

I use one word in a reference that truly has little to do with what I'm talking about, and it ends up tearing an entire friendship apart in seconds.

I can't speak without making others mad and upset. No matter how hard I try, I can't get it right.

If I can't speak without doing harm, there's no point in ever speaking. So it's time for me to stop speaking, for good. It's what's best.

I'm done.

- Kenny G.