Never underestimate the power of Coffee.

(That's strange... why was this just a draft... and not a post..??)

It's morning. I'm awake. Don't know quite why.



My head hurts, but then again... when doesn't it?



Now, my ass hurting, that would be strange.



But my ass is fine, and the coffee is hot.



Ahhh... coffee.....



The reason for my AM survival.



I owe you more than you will ever know....



Sweet roasted beans, ground, and moistened....



The pungent liquid you leave behind as the water runs through you.....



I love you, oh sweet nectar of the God's....



My heart shall forever be yo... WTF??? My mug's empty!!!



DAMN&T!!! SH*T, F#CK, MOTHER G*D F%CKING DAMN&T!!!



I gotta go refill................................................................................................ I'm back....



*SIP*



Oh, heavenly nectar of life.......



I love coffee.....



- Kenny G.

Truly inspirational....

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

That's from my buddy Mike at funny or die... It's something we all need to remember now and again...

- Kenny G.

HAHAHAHAHA HELLS YA!!!!!!!!

I freaking did it you guys!!!! I won an FOD cap contest....

I didn't even think it was my best one, but fuck it, I won one!!!

http://www.funnyordie.com/captions/995955?sort=rating

My winning cap:



"What's my name?! What's my name?! Now teach me how to spell it!"
.
Yay for me!
.
- Kenny G.

Friday Movie Night!!!

Just a few great clips I found this week... enjoy!!!


Massive Shopping Cart Fail by Two Morons - Watch more free videos

( I laughed till I sharted...)


Next up....

http://publicaddress.typepad.com/hello/files/sexylincoln.mov

(I swear, anything this woman does just cracks me up..)


And Finally...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

(That's my buddy Grizz at Funny or Die... Good Video...)

Have an awesome weekend, my minions, I mean friends, I mean pity bearers... yeah... pity bearers....

- Kenny G.

.... The kinda place that makes you want to wash the soap...

So, yesterday, after work... I went to my normal hiding place: Bucks.

I sat with friends, shot the shit, drank a couple beers, and was getting ready to leave when one of our bartenders (who happened to be off duty at the time) asked if I wanted to go with her, Postal Dave, and the bar schizo, and watch her shoot pool.

I wasn't really in the mood to head to the bar she was supposed to shoot at, but hey, free beer is free beer. So I went..... To the Warrendale bar....

It's the kind of place that is a few blocks past the line that most sane, law abiding folks don't cross, unless they're just passing through to get somewhere better. The kind of place where you know most of the business transacted there has nothing to do with the bartender or booze. The kind of place where you visit the restroom, and think to yourself "I hope this water gets hot enough to wash the soap before I use it..."

That kinda place...

I wish I could tell you that my little nerdy suburban ass has never been to a bar like that... I wish I could... but I'd be lying... and that isn't the real me...

(Though, this is the character from my little video... cute, ain't he?)

No, that class of bar is somewhat familiar to me. Hell, that particular bar wasn't new for me.... It was a remnant of the days when "She" was in my life, and I was spending way too much time/money/dignity on her "Weed" habit...

I wish I could say a fight broke out, I smacked the Jukebox and Bodies came on. I wish I could tell you I went all Matrix bad ass on a bunch of thugs... I wish I could, but I'd be lying....

Nothing happened... at all...

Though, our pool shooting bartender friend girl type person did freak out a bit... You see, she's a sheltered little lamb... and when she accidentally brushed a girl's coat catching the pack of smokes that had been tossed to her, she got a dirty look, and swore she was about to get her ass kicked.... It was really funny to watch her squirm...

I know... I'm terrible....

Needless to say, after she found out she wasn't shooting pool this time, and after the rest of us became tired of watching "Closed Circuit Security Camera T.V.'s" hit show "The Parking Lot"... we left. No fan fare. No fights, no muggings. Just a drive back to Bucks.

I know... Anti-Climactic again.... just like my sex life... Sorry.

- Kenny G.

MY BOSS IS GOING TO MAKE ME GO BACK TO CRACK!!!

How the F*CK do you run a business with the attention span and short term memory of a ADD ridden goldfish!!!!

Once again, we have a late payment notice on something.... and He has no idea why...

Lemme tell y'all what I see as the problem:

A) It is my job to put these things on the books.

B) I work at the office, and solely at the office.

C) All this hippy-dippy-flippin horse shit GETS MAILED TO HIS FREAKING HOUSE!!!!

*Inhale*...... *Exhale*....

Better now... sort of.....

If you want to make sure I get all these bills booked and payed on time... doesn't it make sense to ensure I actually see the little bastards...

Argh.... where's my pipe?!?!?

- Kenny G.

Sidenote: The Life of a Fifth Wheel.

I've never liked the phrase "Being a Third Wheel." It's always bothered me, the image of a third wheel being viewed so poorly. The third wheel is often as important, if not more so, as the other two...

Watch a child, young, unsure, as they begin their mobility on a simple tricycle. Would you dare call any of those three wheels unnecessary, unneeded? Or do they help to ready this young life for more intricate and complicated means of transportation later in life?

See an animal, marred by injury, that only stands upon three limbs... do you call that third leg meaningless, a burden? Or do you see that animal as fortunate to still have three of it's appendages, being limited, but still strong and able?

For the aged and infirm, do you view their cane as a nuisance, a badge of dishonor? Or does that simple mechanism serve as their new-found chance at life, the pillar by which their once strong legs may now once again take them out into the world, rather than life bound by their physical limitations?

No, so often, the "Third Wheel" is more a "life-safer" than "deal-breaker"... As the tripod allows an artist to capture their target with confidence, that third wheel brings strength and stability to that which it is attached...

But, a "Fifth Wheel"... that is the one which must shoulder the mantle of mediocrity.

For a simple automobile, you see only the four tires, the ones propelling it forward to it's destination. And hidden, within the trunk or the undercarriage, sits the "Fifth Wheel", the one that serves no purpose until one of those four fails. Then, for a short while, the Fifth finds meaning.

It is never as strong, or as beautiful as the others, nor is it meant to last for too long... it is but a means to survive until the broken one is renewed, or a new wheel arrives to take it's place...

Then, the Fifth returns to it's quiet hovel, to wait for another chance to be needed.

Fifth wheels take many shapes: The lone single man in a group of couples; the young, untested newcomer to a group of older, wiser minds; the support player, resting on the bench for the team.

The Fifth knows that theirs is not the life of glamor or glory, but of quiet obscurity, and endless patience. A true Fifth Wheel knows their role, and waits for that fleeting moment of stardom, knowing that it will never last long enough to fulfill.

So, know this, First, Second, Third And Fourth Wheels: yours is the honor. Your faithful Fifth will always be there, waiting for your call to action, ready to hold the moment, until you return to your rightful place in the front.

Never spiteful, never jealous, and never satisfied, but ready none the less, the Fifth awaits....

--- A piece by Kenny G.

The Joy Of Sex.... wait, that wasn't sex, it was a 301 game...

Well, we finally did it... we won last night... a close match, but a definite victory for "Just Here For the Beer", against our dear friends, the "Buckin' A's", the other Bucks team...

10-9 was the final score, but it was far greater of a night than the final score eludes to. All cylinders were firing exactly as we needed them to, to finally net us that elusive "W" we've been hunting for all season.

Let me introduce you to the team:

Jesse: Our sharp shooter, AKA: our "Excitement". When Jess is on, there's few who can take him on the dart board. Not only is he our strongest shooter, his strength keeps the team enthusiastic all match long.

Janelle: A bit of a mystery as far as her nightly production on the board, she more than compensates for any "off" nights with the energy she brings to the team. She's the loud cheerleader, spurring the team onwards every match.

Sue: The most veteran of all my teammates, Sue has been with the Buck's dart program since day 1. She never misses a night, no matter what happens (except for that one night, but surgery is the best excuse there is)... Even though she's not our strongest, her consistency brings much needed stability and comfort to the team. That imaginary "A" on her imaginary jersey would be sorely missed should she ever need a night off.

Jon: Not only is he Sue's husband, a former cheerleader, and the buyer of far too many shots, Jon helps keep the team focused and grounded. Though he can be the biggest fire cracker on the team when angered, he always keeps an even keel about him through the night. Victory or defeat, he never lets the outcome rattle him, and that calmness helps the rest of us stay focused.

Dave: The backbone of our team, and a source of far more dart prowess than he even realizes. Dave is our inspiration many nights, and a source of confidence to his teammates. When he's in his groove, he can tear damn near any opponent apart, and he's an awesome partner in cricket matches. He always say "If I can do it, anyone can..." and while that's a running joke, it rings true for our team, because, when Dave's on, he gives all of us the confidence to get on as well.

And, of course...

Kenny G.: Me, the captain. My job is to bring the team through with leadership, and tenacity. I see it every week, when I'm pissed off and bringing myself down, I bring us all down. When I stay calm and determined, the team is right there with me, ready to win. I owe them my best every week, so they follow suit, bringing their best as well....

And last night, we won... as a team... (and, for me personally, I smoked my opponent in 301... he had 115 left... :-) )

To quote our nightly cheer...

"MORE BEER!"

- Kenny G.

It's on like my pants (Now that is a miracle..)

OK, I bit off a big one this time...

There currently is a wager between makinitdrizzle and myself, on Funny Or Die , in the form of a 1 week "commented on" race. In one week, the winner gets to put 10 "You Suck's" on the loser's profile....

I'm a little behind, but I gotta keep the faith...

Let's see how this all plays out y'all....



- Kenny G.

Story Time!!! Get yur warm milk, cookies, and Prozac...

{To the theme of "The Beverly Hillbillies"}

Here's a little story about Kenny G.

A FOD captioneer void of abilty

So one day he was sitting at his desk

Till he realized, he couldn't find a rhyme for desk...

Asinine, this is....

So, there he sat, staring vacantly at his monitor, desperately awaiting some form of inspiration, a visit from his muse if you will. Tirelessly, he waited, drinking absurd quantities of coffee, tapping randomly on his dust-caked keyboard, yeilding nothing but frustration and hand cramps.

Then, as if the spark of the Divine itself had settled on his shoulders, it came to him...

"I can write a story, using all the goofy ass pictures I've found..."

Thus, into the land of FOD was birthed...

Kenny G. - A Retrospective.

Kenny G., an office manger for a computer repair company, was used to dealing with situations that were less than pleasant

He occasionally was unsure how best to handle situations that he faced, as the signs were slightly unclear at moments....

But he hardly let it phase him, as his true focus was his personal life, what with his stellar charisma with the ladies...

His vast fortune....

And his awesome vehicle....

He knew better days were yet to come....

Though he missed those who had left him in the past....

He knew he'd soon meet others to be near to...

And his true strengths would shine through...

........ unless he met one of those, that is....

The End....

- Kenny G.